Fear was the topic of the previous post -- the consuming fear I have lived with for much of my life. I ended it by saying that God had been working on fear and faith in my life. And today, we'll (I'll?) see a couple of ways God has been addressing that in my life lately.
You may have noticed that I changed the title to the blog.
Live Courageously. Love Ferociously.
A couple months ago, I was praying and that's what I asked God for. To live courageously and love ferociously. And though I don't really know what that looks like, I prayed for it.
I was tired of living in fear of everything. And I longed to live a life of courage, a life of following after Christ.
A life I knew I could not live mired in fear everywhere I went.
Because a life of courage requires faith.
I think, now that I'm writing this, that God has been answering that prayer.
Evidence #1. I've been going to the women's Bible study at First Baptist for several months now. I've enjoyed it and the opportunity to meet other ladies at the church, even though my heart has not been truly invested in staying at that church, for a number of reasons. Towards the end of the last session, the leader, Christi, asked me if I would consider leading one of the groups for the spring. I was somewhat interested and told her I'd pray and think about it, but wasn't sure I was really going to do it. I'd come to a point where I really didn't think I was that good at much, hadn't really been able to find a place to serve, and just felt like I wouldn't be able to. Plus, I knew they were going to be doing Beth Moore's Here and Now, There and Then study on the book of Revelation. And I loathe the topic of Revelation. I despise it when people bring up the end of the world. It always makes my insides revolt and usually gets people to speculating about things we really know nothing about. Often, they are never helpful conversations, but worry-inducing ones -- on the part of most people involved. So there was basically NO WAY I was going to do this. And then, another leader asked me to do the exact same thing.
About a month ago, Christi then asked me if I would help lead one of the small groups for the women's retreat. I wanted to, but I didn't really want to, you know? I felt like I should, so I said yes. While we were meeting, Christi asked me again if I was going to lead one of the groups for the spring. And, at the women's retreat, the other leader who asked me before asked me the same thing again.
Basically, I felt like God was trying to get me over my fears of incompetency and back into serving. Plus, it seems He's also going to make me confront my fear of Revelation at the same time.
Evidence #2. For much of my life, I've longed to just love people. I have said for ages that if there was some way I could not work and just serve people like Mother Teresa did, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I never wanted to be far from my family. I couldn't picture serving in that type of ministry and not being close to my family. The two pictures never really coincided well. I mean, what about holidays? Shelter ministry often requires working on holidays, especially if you are offering meals. How would I be able to serve and still be with my family and friends on those special days? And though I love traveling, I never truly wanted to live overseas. Short trips, ok, fine. Longer trips were even better. But living overseas? Not really something I ever saw myself doing. I think others did. My sister told me in high school that she thought I was going to end up being a missionary to Peru or something (which is interesting, because our cousin actually moved to Peru to be a missionary). I adamantly refused. Over the last several months, though, I think God has been softening my heart to living and serving wherever He may lead. This realization may even have gone so far at one point to where I couldn't stand the thought of being in one place (or the US) for the rest of my life. I think I've come back from that ledge. The point is that I'm gradually getting to the place where I could see myself serving and living far from my family, even though it would be very, very difficult.
Evidence #3. Tuesday, as we were passing out free king cake to students, the Dean of Chapel, Dr. Newsome, walked up and in conversation, asked if we knew any students who would be willing to read Scripture in chapel. As soon as he finished that statement, he looked at me and said, "You look like you'd be good at it." I kind of stalled a little, saying something about how I wasn't really dressed appropriately to do that (jeans, a long-sleeve t, my green jacket, and flats). To which he replied, "It's ok. The speaker will be in jeans." Awesome. Ok, sure, I'll do it. I've been on stage and spoken to lots of people before (hard to believe? it's true. on stage. with a microphone. telling my story). I haven't done it often, and I shake pretty much every time I do, but I've done it. And I didn't really have to come up with anything to say, I just had to read. I really fought the urge not to go home and change or do something better with my hair. It struck me that maybe God was asking me to do this just as I was (because I had almost worn a dress that morning, and God very well could have urged me to put it on since He knew what was coming), and to not seek peace and validation from my appearance, but from Him. So, I showed up to chapel early as instructed, where I met Dr. Stetzer (who is the President of LifeWay Research and a big-time, well-known author and speaker), who was speaking with our Dr. Newsome. And then, Dr. Kelley (our NOBTS President), Dr. Lemke (our Provost), and Dr. Stewart (one of our theology and philosophy professors) showed up in the chapel office. We talked for a minute, and Dr. Kelley asked for us to come together and pray before chapel.
And y'all. Then he looked at me and said, "Brooke, why don't you lead us?"
Luckily, I had no time whatsoever to stall, nor did I really have the option to say no. So there I was, praying in front of all these men whose positions and experience and wisdom were far above my own....and I DO NOT pray in front of people (seriously...ask anyone of my closest friends...or the people I worked with at Gallery Church in B-more). I don't pray out loud with people I know well, and certainly not in front of people like the ones with whom I was standing in that room. And then it was over, and it was time to go in. Chapel started, and I read the Scripture, and that was done too.
Evidence #4: I dressed up like a Disney princess (Jasmine) for the Muses Mardi Gras parade. When my roommates asked if I would, I automatically said yes. Here's why this is evidence that God is working on my fear -- because I never do things like this. I'm usually too worried about what people are going to say and whether I look like an idiot or something. This time, though, there was no hesitation. An automatic yes. In the end? It was fun to do with friends. If anyone thought we looked ridiculous, they didn't say anything. And we even had some little girls want to take a picture with us. Will I start running around looking like that all the time? No. But for that, it was perfectly fine and fun to do something a little crazy!
I don't say this to point out anything in myself, because none of this was possible without God having been working on my issues with fear. I thought I was going to fall flat out while I was praying and on stage to read. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to pray, and I'm pretty sure I didn't do much of that praying on my own strength. It was all God. All I felt was how I was trembling and couldn't keep my balance. And the idea of leading a Bible study (even though I've led several in the past) still makes me cringe a little inside. Also, I still can't believe I actually wore that tutu, headband and crazy eye makeup out in public.
I say this to make the point that God has been challenging my fear and pushing me to walk out in faith. He's been challenging my fears and asking me to confront them.
Do I know what that looks like in the future? No. I have no idea. But I guess that's the point of faith, right?
To walk into the unknown, trusting that God is leading you, walking before you, and is right there to catch you when you fall?
Beth Moore did an incredible study on Esther a few years ago. It's one of the best I've ever done, and not simply because Esther is by far one of my favorite people in the Bible. She drew attention to verse 4:16, when Esther says, "If I perish, I perish." She pointed out Esther's own fear and showed us how we are like that. But, she says, in this statement we see faith. Because if my "what if" happens, then God. No matter what we fill in the "what if" blank with, God is there. Then God.
If I fall flat on my face, then God.
If no one ever likes me, then God.
If I discover I'm not good at teaching, then God.
If I mess up while I'm reading, then God.
If I or someone close to me gets sick, then God.
If I have a bad hair day and feel self-conscious, then God.
If I'm asked to pray in front of a bunch of men (or anyone else, for that matter) when I'd rather not, then God.
If I royally screw something up, then God.
If I react inappropriately, then God.
If I'm struggling financially, then God.
Not matter what the "if" is, God is always there.
And that's what a life of faith realizes, internalizes, experiences.
God, there, all the time.
Not fear, because God is with you. Faith, because He's said He's never leaving. Faith, because He's never leaving and He's invited you to walk with Him.
A life lived courageously is a life full of faith, a life that looks at all the what if's and says, "then God" in their faces.
So that's what I'm trying to do, and what I think God is asking me to do.
Live courageously.
Yes, I will fail. Fear does not go quietly, and I won't be surprised if I find myself wrapped in fear over something else in the future.
But I don't want to listen to fear anymore.
I want to be a person of faith.
To live a life full of faith. Faith that listens and follows, that overflows into service and love, that longs for the Savior above all else.
You may have noticed that I changed the title to the blog.
Live Courageously. Love Ferociously.
A couple months ago, I was praying and that's what I asked God for. To live courageously and love ferociously. And though I don't really know what that looks like, I prayed for it.
I was tired of living in fear of everything. And I longed to live a life of courage, a life of following after Christ.
A life I knew I could not live mired in fear everywhere I went.
Because a life of courage requires faith.
I think, now that I'm writing this, that God has been answering that prayer.
Evidence #1. I've been going to the women's Bible study at First Baptist for several months now. I've enjoyed it and the opportunity to meet other ladies at the church, even though my heart has not been truly invested in staying at that church, for a number of reasons. Towards the end of the last session, the leader, Christi, asked me if I would consider leading one of the groups for the spring. I was somewhat interested and told her I'd pray and think about it, but wasn't sure I was really going to do it. I'd come to a point where I really didn't think I was that good at much, hadn't really been able to find a place to serve, and just felt like I wouldn't be able to. Plus, I knew they were going to be doing Beth Moore's Here and Now, There and Then study on the book of Revelation. And I loathe the topic of Revelation. I despise it when people bring up the end of the world. It always makes my insides revolt and usually gets people to speculating about things we really know nothing about. Often, they are never helpful conversations, but worry-inducing ones -- on the part of most people involved. So there was basically NO WAY I was going to do this. And then, another leader asked me to do the exact same thing.
About a month ago, Christi then asked me if I would help lead one of the small groups for the women's retreat. I wanted to, but I didn't really want to, you know? I felt like I should, so I said yes. While we were meeting, Christi asked me again if I was going to lead one of the groups for the spring. And, at the women's retreat, the other leader who asked me before asked me the same thing again.
Basically, I felt like God was trying to get me over my fears of incompetency and back into serving. Plus, it seems He's also going to make me confront my fear of Revelation at the same time.
Evidence #2. For much of my life, I've longed to just love people. I have said for ages that if there was some way I could not work and just serve people like Mother Teresa did, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I never wanted to be far from my family. I couldn't picture serving in that type of ministry and not being close to my family. The two pictures never really coincided well. I mean, what about holidays? Shelter ministry often requires working on holidays, especially if you are offering meals. How would I be able to serve and still be with my family and friends on those special days? And though I love traveling, I never truly wanted to live overseas. Short trips, ok, fine. Longer trips were even better. But living overseas? Not really something I ever saw myself doing. I think others did. My sister told me in high school that she thought I was going to end up being a missionary to Peru or something (which is interesting, because our cousin actually moved to Peru to be a missionary). I adamantly refused. Over the last several months, though, I think God has been softening my heart to living and serving wherever He may lead. This realization may even have gone so far at one point to where I couldn't stand the thought of being in one place (or the US) for the rest of my life. I think I've come back from that ledge. The point is that I'm gradually getting to the place where I could see myself serving and living far from my family, even though it would be very, very difficult.
Evidence #3. Tuesday, as we were passing out free king cake to students, the Dean of Chapel, Dr. Newsome, walked up and in conversation, asked if we knew any students who would be willing to read Scripture in chapel. As soon as he finished that statement, he looked at me and said, "You look like you'd be good at it." I kind of stalled a little, saying something about how I wasn't really dressed appropriately to do that (jeans, a long-sleeve t, my green jacket, and flats). To which he replied, "It's ok. The speaker will be in jeans." Awesome. Ok, sure, I'll do it. I've been on stage and spoken to lots of people before (hard to believe? it's true. on stage. with a microphone. telling my story). I haven't done it often, and I shake pretty much every time I do, but I've done it. And I didn't really have to come up with anything to say, I just had to read. I really fought the urge not to go home and change or do something better with my hair. It struck me that maybe God was asking me to do this just as I was (because I had almost worn a dress that morning, and God very well could have urged me to put it on since He knew what was coming), and to not seek peace and validation from my appearance, but from Him. So, I showed up to chapel early as instructed, where I met Dr. Stetzer (who is the President of LifeWay Research and a big-time, well-known author and speaker), who was speaking with our Dr. Newsome. And then, Dr. Kelley (our NOBTS President), Dr. Lemke (our Provost), and Dr. Stewart (one of our theology and philosophy professors) showed up in the chapel office. We talked for a minute, and Dr. Kelley asked for us to come together and pray before chapel.
And y'all. Then he looked at me and said, "Brooke, why don't you lead us?"
Luckily, I had no time whatsoever to stall, nor did I really have the option to say no. So there I was, praying in front of all these men whose positions and experience and wisdom were far above my own....and I DO NOT pray in front of people (seriously...ask anyone of my closest friends...or the people I worked with at Gallery Church in B-more). I don't pray out loud with people I know well, and certainly not in front of people like the ones with whom I was standing in that room. And then it was over, and it was time to go in. Chapel started, and I read the Scripture, and that was done too.
Evidence #4: I dressed up like a Disney princess (Jasmine) for the Muses Mardi Gras parade. When my roommates asked if I would, I automatically said yes. Here's why this is evidence that God is working on my fear -- because I never do things like this. I'm usually too worried about what people are going to say and whether I look like an idiot or something. This time, though, there was no hesitation. An automatic yes. In the end? It was fun to do with friends. If anyone thought we looked ridiculous, they didn't say anything. And we even had some little girls want to take a picture with us. Will I start running around looking like that all the time? No. But for that, it was perfectly fine and fun to do something a little crazy!
I don't say this to point out anything in myself, because none of this was possible without God having been working on my issues with fear. I thought I was going to fall flat out while I was praying and on stage to read. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to pray, and I'm pretty sure I didn't do much of that praying on my own strength. It was all God. All I felt was how I was trembling and couldn't keep my balance. And the idea of leading a Bible study (even though I've led several in the past) still makes me cringe a little inside. Also, I still can't believe I actually wore that tutu, headband and crazy eye makeup out in public.
I say this to make the point that God has been challenging my fear and pushing me to walk out in faith. He's been challenging my fears and asking me to confront them.
Do I know what that looks like in the future? No. I have no idea. But I guess that's the point of faith, right?
To walk into the unknown, trusting that God is leading you, walking before you, and is right there to catch you when you fall?
Beth Moore did an incredible study on Esther a few years ago. It's one of the best I've ever done, and not simply because Esther is by far one of my favorite people in the Bible. She drew attention to verse 4:16, when Esther says, "If I perish, I perish." She pointed out Esther's own fear and showed us how we are like that. But, she says, in this statement we see faith. Because if my "what if" happens, then God. No matter what we fill in the "what if" blank with, God is there. Then God.
If I fall flat on my face, then God.
If no one ever likes me, then God.
If I discover I'm not good at teaching, then God.
If I mess up while I'm reading, then God.
If I or someone close to me gets sick, then God.
If I have a bad hair day and feel self-conscious, then God.
If I'm asked to pray in front of a bunch of men (or anyone else, for that matter) when I'd rather not, then God.
If I royally screw something up, then God.
If I react inappropriately, then God.
If I'm struggling financially, then God.
Not matter what the "if" is, God is always there.
And that's what a life of faith realizes, internalizes, experiences.
God, there, all the time.
Not fear, because God is with you. Faith, because He's said He's never leaving. Faith, because He's never leaving and He's invited you to walk with Him.
A life lived courageously is a life full of faith, a life that looks at all the what if's and says, "then God" in their faces.
So that's what I'm trying to do, and what I think God is asking me to do.
Live courageously.
Yes, I will fail. Fear does not go quietly, and I won't be surprised if I find myself wrapped in fear over something else in the future.
But I don't want to listen to fear anymore.
I want to be a person of faith.
To live a life full of faith. Faith that listens and follows, that overflows into service and love, that longs for the Savior above all else.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles (read: fear). And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eye on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.
Hebrews 12:1-2
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