I know what you must be thinking...two posts so soon together??
I think I waited so long between the last ones that I feel the need to blog more to make up for it....but also, there are things I feel the need to share.
And really, I should be doing work for my classes, since you know, there's A LOT of it and it's Mardi Gras week, which means there are events other than school occurring. But it's cold in my room and I like being wrapped in blankets for the moment. And I just finished re-reading a really wonderful book called Harvest of Rubies by Tessa Afshar (quickly becoming one of my favorite authors, even though she only has two books out...and I have to wait until JULY for the third).
Also, bear with me. This may be long.
Moving on....
The last post was about how God has answered my prayers and provided for me in seemingly miraculous ways. I think that God is leading me to a place of deeper faith in Him.
Faith that He is who He says He is.
That He will do what He says He will do.
That I am who He says I am (more on this one later).
But mostly, simply having deeper faith in Him. The kind of faith that says, "I'll follow You wherever, to whatever" with no hesitation.
I think He is desiring me to walk closer, trust more, and live freely in Him.
I remember a few events in my life where I have felt God calling to me, asking me to trust Him, to have faith in Him. Once was on a trip to Jamaica in high school. We were returning to the girls' orphanage we had visited the year before, when I had met Alicia and Latoya.
They had accepted Christ that year (and oh, how I hope and pray they are safe and know Him today), and I was so hoping they would still be at the home. I wanted to take something special to these girls when we visited, but had no idea what to take. I found two journals: a blue one with a bright pink flower on it and a red one with a yellow flower on it. I wrote notes to each of them in their journals and didn't think anything more of it. When I presented the journals to them, both Alicia and Latoya squealed. Taken aback, I just kind of waited for them to say something else. As it happened, each girl was given -- unbeknownst to me -- their favorite colors. Their journals were perfect for them, because each reflected something personal to them. Sitting there in that moment, I felt like God was saying to me, "Brooke, trust Me. Let Me care for the details and plans of your life. If I can care for these little details, how much more can I care for the big ones? If I can take care of something so small as favorite colors (that you knew nothing about), can't I care for you? Let Me. Trust Me."
My time in Israel represents another time where I saw God move in that kind of way. Going to Israel, I wassomewhat completely terrified. I never wanted to go to the Middle East, mostly because I just knew if I went they would go to war and I would die there. I was not educated at all about the reality of the Middle East. Plus, though I tend to not always care so much about whether there is a guy with me or not in less-than-safe situations, I was a little freaked out that it was going to just be me and another girl by ourselves in Israel for a little over a month. This trip it was mostly in the details that I saw God calling me to trust Him. All the people at the airport and on our flight were amazingly friendly. The friends we made right away were all guys (totally not kidding). In fact, the friends we spent most of our time with the whole trip were all guys. The fact that one night, as we were walking to a friend's apartment, one of the guys passed us randomly and told us to head a different way than the one in which we were headed because there was something a little sketch going on. More than that, there were some relational wounds in my heart and soul that God began to heal and repair through my new friends. I also learned how much I truly love traveling, learning, and immersing myself in other cultures.
So I can look back and see in these two situations (and others) that God has been pursuing me for much of my life. I became a Christian as a child -- 9 (or 10?) years old. I've literally been in church my entire life. My faith was in Christ. I remember, after asking Christ to be my Savior, starting to read my Bible more. I also remember writing all the names of my immediate family in the front cover of my Bible, with check marks for the ones who were also saved...which, at the time, meant that only my sister didn't have a check mark. I remember really being excited about one day being able to put a check mark by her name (and though I could do that now, I'm not sure if I did in the Bible once it happened...)
But my whole faith, my whole self, was not really in Christ.
Because I, for much of my life, have lived in fear.
Of everything.
Fear of what others would think.
Fear of what the future held.
Of what would happen if I didn't do something right or get the best grade I could or perform well.
Of the end of the world.
Fear of never accomplishing anything.
Fear that if I took that next step, life would end.
Fear of getting a fatal disease.
Of someone in my family getting a fatal disease.
Fear that I was doing everything wrong.
Fear that people didn't actually like me.
Fear that I wasn't really saved.
Fear of losing that which was most precious to me.
Fear of what was beyond my comfort zone (though, strangely, also really drawn to that).
Fear that I wasn't really good at anything.
Like I said, fear of basically, seemingly, everything.
As I've gotten older, it's gotten worse, especially in regards to my relationships with other people.
I've struggled and wrestled with decisions both big and small because I was afraid that one wrong move would ruin everything and would send me down an unintended path. As in, if I take this job and was supposed to take that one, the life I was supposed to have is ruined and there's nothing I can do about it. While that is true in some instances (like, if I decided to do drugs or drink enough alcohol to become an alcoholic or become a stripper for some extra cash), it is not really true of most of them. And yes, I understand that that goes against common sense and grace and so on, but that is what fear does.
I wondered often how I was being perceived by others. Were my actions being taken the way I meant them to? If I was myself and did the things that came naturally to me, would I be taken the wrong way? So I often stopped doing what it was I was concerned about. Hugging my friends. Encouraging others. Giving gifts.
Rarely did I ever let anyone get close enough to me to really know me because I was afraid of what would happen (which, incidentally, has to do with a completely other topic I'm planning on posting on soon, also) if they really got to know me. I feared what would happen if I was not perfect all the time.
Fear is not a good friend.
Because fear paralyzes. Robs. Destroys. Creates doubt.
Fear is not from God.
He tells us so Himself:
I think I waited so long between the last ones that I feel the need to blog more to make up for it....but also, there are things I feel the need to share.
And really, I should be doing work for my classes, since you know, there's A LOT of it and it's Mardi Gras week, which means there are events other than school occurring. But it's cold in my room and I like being wrapped in blankets for the moment. And I just finished re-reading a really wonderful book called Harvest of Rubies by Tessa Afshar (quickly becoming one of my favorite authors, even though she only has two books out...and I have to wait until JULY for the third).
Also, bear with me. This may be long.
Moving on....
The last post was about how God has answered my prayers and provided for me in seemingly miraculous ways. I think that God is leading me to a place of deeper faith in Him.
Faith that He is who He says He is.
That He will do what He says He will do.
That I am who He says I am (more on this one later).
But mostly, simply having deeper faith in Him. The kind of faith that says, "I'll follow You wherever, to whatever" with no hesitation.
I think He is desiring me to walk closer, trust more, and live freely in Him.
I remember a few events in my life where I have felt God calling to me, asking me to trust Him, to have faith in Him. Once was on a trip to Jamaica in high school. We were returning to the girls' orphanage we had visited the year before, when I had met Alicia and Latoya.
My time in Israel represents another time where I saw God move in that kind of way. Going to Israel, I was
So I can look back and see in these two situations (and others) that God has been pursuing me for much of my life. I became a Christian as a child -- 9 (or 10?) years old. I've literally been in church my entire life. My faith was in Christ. I remember, after asking Christ to be my Savior, starting to read my Bible more. I also remember writing all the names of my immediate family in the front cover of my Bible, with check marks for the ones who were also saved...which, at the time, meant that only my sister didn't have a check mark. I remember really being excited about one day being able to put a check mark by her name (and though I could do that now, I'm not sure if I did in the Bible once it happened...)
But my whole faith, my whole self, was not really in Christ.
Because I, for much of my life, have lived in fear.
Of everything.
Fear of what others would think.
Fear of what the future held.
Of what would happen if I didn't do something right or get the best grade I could or perform well.
Of the end of the world.
Fear of never accomplishing anything.
Fear that if I took that next step, life would end.
Fear of getting a fatal disease.
Of someone in my family getting a fatal disease.
Fear that I was doing everything wrong.
Fear that people didn't actually like me.
Fear that I wasn't really saved.
Fear of losing that which was most precious to me.
Fear of what was beyond my comfort zone (though, strangely, also really drawn to that).
Fear that I wasn't really good at anything.
Like I said, fear of basically, seemingly, everything.
As I've gotten older, it's gotten worse, especially in regards to my relationships with other people.
I've struggled and wrestled with decisions both big and small because I was afraid that one wrong move would ruin everything and would send me down an unintended path. As in, if I take this job and was supposed to take that one, the life I was supposed to have is ruined and there's nothing I can do about it. While that is true in some instances (like, if I decided to do drugs or drink enough alcohol to become an alcoholic or become a stripper for some extra cash), it is not really true of most of them. And yes, I understand that that goes against common sense and grace and so on, but that is what fear does.
I wondered often how I was being perceived by others. Were my actions being taken the way I meant them to? If I was myself and did the things that came naturally to me, would I be taken the wrong way? So I often stopped doing what it was I was concerned about. Hugging my friends. Encouraging others. Giving gifts.
Rarely did I ever let anyone get close enough to me to really know me because I was afraid of what would happen (which, incidentally, has to do with a completely other topic I'm planning on posting on soon, also) if they really got to know me. I feared what would happen if I was not perfect all the time.
Fear is not a good friend.
Because fear paralyzes. Robs. Destroys. Creates doubt.
Fear is not from God.
He tells us so Himself:
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (read: fear),
but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of SELF-DISCIPLINE.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)
And my fear has wrapped me in a lot of lies and chains that I'm still to some degree fighting to get rid of. Depression. Anger. Doubt. More fear.
Lately, however, God has been working on my fear.
In many, many ways.
In many, many ways.
But, due to the length of this spectacular post, you'll have to wait for the rest of the story. Sorry :)
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