Those of you who know me really well (or...at all) know that I have been plagued by fear for most of my life. Well, most of my teenage & adult life. I've talked about it here before, this fear that sits and waits for the moments when it can come out and try to squeeze the life out of me. And it's been fear of everything it seems like, from the little (am I dressed right? will I say something stupid?) to the big (will they like me? what if I mess up?), and to the gigantic (what if I miss what God has to say? what if God decides He doesn't want me anymore because I screw it all up?)
Me and God, we've worked through A LOT of these fears. Truth, community (even distant!), counseling, and His infinite grace have worked wonders, y'all.
But this summer I realized there's an aspect to this fear I haven't completely considered. There have been a lot of times over the last decade or so when God has laid something on my heart that was going to change my life. I moved & changed jobs & took classes & made new friends & found new churches. I've done the "jump off a cliff to follow Him" many times. But it usually took me a looooonnnnngggg time to make that jump. And no matter how many times I had to do it, it didn't really ever get easier. Peace grew, trust and faith increased. But the fear before the jump? Always there.
Over the last few weeks or so, I realized that this fear is not over the little steps of faith or service today. Much of my fear revolves around the future. The distant future. If I make this decision today, what does that mean for 5, 10, 20 years down the line?? I fear so much what will become of those jumps and steps of faith, of all that I can't see....that I halt right in my tracks.
Francis Chan, in Forgotten God, says:
"I think a lot of us need to forget about God's will for my life. God cares more about our response to His Spirit's leading today, in this moment, than about what we intend to do next year. In fact, the decisions we make next year will be profoundly affected by the degree to which we submit to the Spirit right now, in today's decision. It is easy to use 'God's will for my life' as an excuse for inaction or disobedience."
This is where I've found myself so many times. The vague, one day future 'God's will for my life' kept me from acting today, from making the decision God was asking me to make in this moment. I was terrified of what could happen, what God might be planning (like I know anyway, right?) that I was afraid to fully trust Him, to say yes immediately. Because the things I dream about God planning for my life seemed mountainous. Tasks I am completely unequal to. And if this decision today leads to that, then I'm basically signing up for something I'll never be able to do. That is terrifying.
But this summer, as God showed these things to me, He also helped me realize the truth in that Chan quote. All I need to do is what's next for today. I'm not responsible for anything else. How does He want me to be obedient today, right now? What's the next right thing? Regardless of the future potential of those decisions, where am I supposed to go in this moment? That's what He's asking of me, of us. And all those decisions made in obedience will paint whatever beautiful amazing adventure He desires, whatever abundant life He chooses to give me. But for today, He's just asking me to say yes to this decision, the next step or turn on the path in front of me.
I used to crave a "normal" life. I wanted to go to college, teach, get married, have a family, have neighbors who were friends and friends who were family, to be settled in a community somewhere with roots and history. That's what I thought life was supposed to be, that was the best life I could have. Oh, how I longed for it. It's not that I don't still long for some of those things; it's just that that's all I wanted, and there wasn't room for anything more. But that's not what my life has turned out to be. Saying yes all those times God asked me to change directions has made my life look so incredibly different than I could have imagined. My "normal" today is so far from what I thought it would -- or should -- be.
I recently started watching the CW show Arrow. For those who don't know, it follows the story of the Green Arrow from DC Comics. Through the first season I felt like I was watching The Dark Knight, tv version, but the show is funny and superhero-y, and even takes moments to address issues like poverty & wealth, gentrification, stereotypes of all kinds, and other things. (Plus also? I love Stephen Amell as the lead, & he and Emily Bett Rickards as Oliver and Felicity are wonderful.) Anyway, there's a moment at the end of one of their cross-over shows where Oliver (the Arrow) and Barry (the Flash) are in a bar, having a friendly discussion about which of them would win in a fight.
Barry: Our lives aren’t exactly normal
Oliver: I told Kara that I was looking to reclaim some
normal. Thinking on it now, I’m not so sure.
Barry: I know what you mean. We both got a look at what life
would look like normal.
Oliver: It would’ve been happy.
Barry: But not full.
Oliver: No. No, nowhere close.
Barry: To things not being normal.
Oliver: To life being full.
It would've been happy. But not full.**
Y'all, this exchange pulled my heart into my throat. What I wanted out of life would've been happy. It would've been a good life. But it may not have been full in the way God intended and hoped it would be had I simply settled for what my "normal" was. My life is so much more happy & full now that I ever thought possible -- full of people, places, dreams, faith, life. God had so much more to give, so much more for me to experience and live than my normal would've allowed.
And what I want more than anything is a full life, a life that follows Him with abandon. I long for the chance to say yes to those decisions. And now, I long for the courage to say loud no's to the fears-of-future-possibilities that have halted me in my place, and to say resounding yes's to the next right thing. To be obedient today, and let God worry about making those decisions and creating the full & abundant life He sees is best for me.
Changing a lifetime of fear is not easy, and I'm currently in the midst of one of those "next right thing" decisions and the fear that accompanies & follows it (more on this soon!) But oh, how I'm praying to listen to faith more than fear, to be obedient in the moments, and to live full. Because that's what He's asking of us.
**Just in case, to clarify: my full life and your full life will not look the same. If your life looks like what I described as the life I used to long for (and sometimes still do on occasion), I'm in no way saying your life is not full. Just that what I saw as normal wasn't what God envisioned my fullest life to look like. And I love that He writes all our stories differently, that each unique story shows the world another facet of who He is.
**Also, in case you're curious, the pictures throughout this post are reminders of how full a life God has given, though they are in no way an exhaustive representation. They remind that life is precious and amazing and worth exploring. That His abundance is far superior to mine (hence the blog post :) ).
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