If you aren’t aware, there’s a bit of the unknown in my life right now.
Because of this place I’m in – out of necessity, really –
I’ve been asking myself (and God) a lot of questions about purposes, dreams,
places, and who I am. That last one seems to be cropping up a lot lately. And
it is that question which has brought me here today.
Last week I was talking with a friend about my recent
trip to Chicago. Just to be clear, here’s how that trip happened: I’m in a
Facebook group with a bunch of women from all over the country. One of them –
who I had never met – posted about this conference (the Justice Conference) her
organization was taking a group of women to, and there were some open spots. I
emailed her, said yes, and booked a plane to Chicago…where I was picked up by
another girl driving in from Michigan and then spent the weekend learning and
loving and adventuring with 9 other women from different states whom I had also
never met before. When I was leaving and my parents asked me for the hotel
info/ wondered how I’d be getting there from the airport, I had no idea.
Anyway, my friend stopped me and she said, “Um, what happened to the girl I
used to know in college who questioned everything and always wondered if God
really wanted her to do something? I can’t tell you the number of times we had
that discussion. What happened to her?”
I jokingly replied that the story of my life for the last
decade or so has been God putting me in almost every situation I was most afraid
of and making me live it out just so I’d trust Him more and say yes when He
said go.
But she’s right. I’m not the same person I was in college
(thankfully). God has pushed and pulled me to a place of deeper trust and
faith. Through a lot of twists and turns, He faithfully brought me here. I’m
eternally grateful I’m not that same timid girl I was. I’m glad I don’t feel
the need to apologize for every little thing, that I trust God enough to say
yes more readily, that I will now jump at adventures instead of shy away from
them. I’m not perfect and I still have LOTS OF struggles in these areas. But
praise God He is faithful.
The point of this is that over the last few weeks as I’ve
been asking that question, I have found that I’m not completely sure who I am
or what my purpose is. I don’t know if we ever really know those things for
sure, but I’ve been feeling a little more lost and angsty that normal.
I feel like there are a lot of voices I’m listening to –
authors, speakers, actors, leaders, etc. – that are drowning out the best Voice
I can listen to. Though these are people I respect & admire, people I love
to listen to and sometimes wish I could be friends with…well, they aren’t God.
And somewhere along the way, as I’ve listened to or watched them, I became
enamored with their lives and their missions and their friends, wishing I had
that place. To some degree, I feel like I’ve taken on a lot that never was
meant to be mine.
So I’m trying to reverse that. For the month of July,
I’m doing a lot of prayer and searching, hopefully coupled with discussions
with people I’m close to. And I’m basically taking a social media fast. I want
to keep y’all updated with how our Kids’ Camp is going, and I know some of you
want to know about my job search, so I'll try to update you on those things. And
let’s be honest, I get a lot of my news from Twitter, so that's going to be interesting.
But for the most
part, I’m really trying to change who and what I’m listening to and seeing…and
to be intentional about those voices that I allow to speak into my life. It's possible I'm wrong, and that I'm making all this up in my head (hello, introvert & constant inner dialogue). But I think it's time to really dive into it and find out. To let God speak Truth & Love, to better hear the Spirit move and lead. To be who He intended when He made me, to know Him better and deeper. So I have to turn off lots of other voices.
I’m sure this is going to be hard, because I love social
media. It keeps us connected to people we might otherwise not be able to remain
in touch with. And sometimes it feels like the only way I’m connected to anyone
is through social media platforms and I have a deep, often abiding, fear of
being forgotten. And I’m not naïve enough to think I won’t face some spiritual
warfare, since the reason for this is to hear God better.
All that said, you’ll see me on there every so often
(help me stay accountable???) Join me in praying, if you feel led! And I’d love
to hear from you anyway J
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