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i'm tired of apologizing

that title looks a little strange.
by this, i mean that i feel like i've been apologizing for parts of who i am for awhile (um...for the last year or so, at least). and trying to be someone that, well, i'm just not.
and lately, i've just gotten tired of it.
but i still catch myself doing it.
because i've also discovered (re-realized??) in the last few months that God truly made me to be who i am, uniquely me -- with likes, talents, and a personality that He created. and even if i don't always understand why or know who that person is or feel that it's true, it's the truth. He made me this way for a purpose.

why do we do this to ourselves? i know i'm not the only who does this. and if i am, well...oh well. at least i'm being honest and authentic about it.
the more we pretend to be something else, the more our soul greives. and the longer we keep up the pretense, the more we lose ourselves. because eventually, we'll forget who are and become who we've been pretending to be. or, as fanny brice put it: "let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"
and being someone other than ourselves, than who our Creator intended us to be? well, that's exhausting. and stressful, because we're constantly wondering when everyone's going to find us out.

here are some words of wisdom from people who said it better than me:

**always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else (judy garland)
**no man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true (nathaniel hawthorne)
**be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind (dr. seuss)
**rabbi zusya said that on the day of judgment, God would ask him, not why he had not been moses, but why he had not been zusya (walter kaufmann)
**to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting (e.e. cummings)
**for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well. my frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. when I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (psalm 139:13-16)

and my favorite of all that i found today:
it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are (e.e. cummings)


so (if you're still with me), in the spirit of growing up and becoming who i really am....here are a few things for which i'm not apologizing anymore:
 
*i'm from the south. this means that i have an accent. i like traditional southern food, no matter how bad it is for me. i like mosey-ing. i like fairs, festivals, and craft fairs (yes, craft fairs). i think that pulling over on the side of the road when a funeral procession drives by is the right thing to do. i subscribe to garden&gun magazine, and would like to subscribe to southern living.
 
*along those same lines, i like country music. it may not be for you, but i actually like it.
 
*i love inner city kids. love them. and i love the kids that are constantly a problem, the ones no one else really likes.
 
*i love school. learning. studying. even writing papers and taking tests. and i love school supplies -- sharpies, crayons, paper, folders, pencils, erasers, glue. office depot is like a drug to me.
 
*i can watch movies/tv all day long. literally. and it won't bother me. especially if it's raining. are there better uses of my time? probably. yes, i love to read and spend time with people, but watching tv all day long doesn't phase or bore me. along these same lines, i love the disney channel. and stupid, made for tv chick flicks. 
 
*i follow random rules of etiquette. and i own emily post's etiquette book. yes, i've read it. i don't follow all of them, but some of them i do. for example, i'm probably not going to go somewhere unless the host (or someone close to the host) invited me, no matter how many of my friends are going or who it is that extended the invite. i'm going to try to wear event-appropriate clothes. there are certain conversations i will never have with some people in the name of propriety (no matter how much i want to). i firmly believe that there are social rules that should be followed.
 
*i am not athletic. i enjoy watching sports. and i will whole-heartedly support you if you are playing. but i'm not good at them, nor do i understand a lot of them (like golf. really? that's just not exciting).
 
*i love dresses. wearing them, looking at them, the way they make me feel. and no, i don't consider wearing a dress to be dressing up or fancy. it's just something i do. i also love my pearls, polo/ button-down shirts, jackets and sweaters, headbands, and my sperrys.
 
*i expect a lot from my friends, especially my close friends. returning phone calls/text messages/emails, etc. following through. keeping promises. remembering things. being willing to be there whenever. standing up for you. being on time. loyalty and honesty. hugs :) there's more that i'm sure i could list, but i won't bore you. however, the flip side is that i do my best to do this too. i don't always get it right, and sometimes i fail completely, but i try.

*my family and my friends are more important to me than pretty much anything else in my life.

so...there you have it. i have a feeling this list may continue to grow, but that's it for now.
i don't mean to be rude. or in your face. or anything like that (see? more apologizing. but that's something else for which i won't be apologizing anymore -- doing my best not to offend people).
i'm just tired of trying to be who i feel i'm expected to be. of not embracing who God made me to be. of feeling like i have to hide the parts of me that are different from the majority of my friends around me. of believing that those pieces of me that i'm hiding aren't important or worthwhile and that they need to be hidden and kept secret. of thinking that i have to like/do/believe the same things as those around me in order to be liked.
so, i'm going to try to stop. and i'm going to try to welcome and accept all of who i am as i learn who that really is and not be afraid of it.
because God made us all as original, unique, amazing pieces of art to display who He is to the world. He intended for us all to be special and to give the world something that no one else would be able to give. each one of us (and every part of each one of us) has a purpose.
why should we hide ourselves from the world when we were intended to shine?

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