Skip to main content

home

after spending a week with 300 middle and high schoolers in myrtle beach, i'm home. we left early monday morning for the baywatch resort on myrtle beach. the theme for the week was "disturbed". as in, being disturbed by and for God in our love for Him, our love for others and our love for the Kingdom. i really think a lot of the students were impacted and a lot fo good relationships were formed. i'm glad i went -- it was a good week. besides being able to spend a lot of time at the beach, i got to spend some time with some awesome students and leaders.
coming home, though, was difficult. not leaving the camp to come home, but when i got home i was really frustrated. i partially know why, but i was just frustrated with being at home. i really need to go somewhere. i strongly feel it's time for me to leave. i don't think i'll be able to survive very well if i stay here much longer. that said, i guess it all depends on where God wants me to live.
i wouldn't normally admit this. i'm trying really hard to be ok with whatever he says for me to do, but it's getting difficult. i keep getting distracted and start fearing and doubting. i know that it's satan doing his best to keep me from following God as closely as possible, but i'm having a hard time seeing past the fear and doubt. i keep thinking that whatever God has for me will be undesirable to me and that He's never going to do anything that i feel is good -- that i'll be doomed to live a life i don't want if i say yes completely. my head and my heart are confusing each other right now. i know God has plans for my life -- good, wonderful plans. but then my heart says something that makes me doubt that. or my heart will get really happy about something, and my head will chime in with something that makes me fear. i'm finding myself weaker all the time.
hmmm....i guess only time will tell.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

His Straight, Not Mine

Whenever I have a huge decision to make, I stress. My default mode is "what if I'm wrong??" This has been true for the last 10+ years of my life. College, mission trips during college, where to teach after college, quitting teaching, moving to Baltimore, leaving Baltimore, beginning seminary. All decisions fraught with questions, doubts, fears. And I'm there again. Graduated from seminary, looking for the next step. Wondering. Doubting. Questioning. Hoping. Dreaming. Fearing.  Every big decision is the same. You'd think I'd have learned by now just to decide or jump or trust or whatever. But no. The reason for this struggle is that I so badly long to do what I am meant to do. I long to follow God where He is leading, to fulfill the purpose He has planned for me from the beginning. But I'm only human. And so how on earth do I know what God has planned for me? And how on earth can I possibly do that without screwing it up completely?  I look at vers...
2 comments
Read more

34.

One of the things I love most about my birthday is that it falls so close to the beginning of the year. A new calendar year and new life year start together.  I also love that I share a birthday with Kate, Duchess of Cambridge.  You know, the important things.  I've thought a lot about this year and what it would be like. Not because I've now officially hit my mid-30's (oh my goodness, really??) but what will 2019 and 34 hold? The last two years have been the hardest I've faced. Everything felt like it was breaking to pieces, and I was never fast enough to gather them all up before they landed, or good enough to keep everything together. These pieces were significant chunks of my identity. Things (and people!) I had placed a lot of value in, that I thought defined me, were gone. Slowly, suddenly, systematically, chaotically. It felt very much like I was being stripped away, and that there wasn't much else there.  At the same time, the world also se...
Post a Comment
Read more

movies

i love movies. could watch them all the time. as i've had some more time on my hands lately, i've seen a lot of movies on random channels that have made me say, "i love this movie! why don't i own it??" so here's a list of movies i feel like i should own, or want to own when they come out. *the man in the iron mask *10 things i hate about you *penelope *catch me if you can *sweet home alabama *phantom of the opera *the count of monte cristo *despicable me *how to train your dragon *streetcar named desire *gone with the wind *pride and prejudice (the really long, bbc one -- not the kiera knightley one) *the pirates movies *the bourne movies *grease just to name a few :)
1 comment
Read more