if you read this or know me, you know that at the moment, i'm currently living with my parents, looking for a job, trying to figure out what it is that God has next for me (or where, how, etc). now, i've only been here a little while (like, barely even 3 weeks). i spent my summer agonizing over whether i was making the right decision, whether i was following God's leading or my own heart. in the end, i truly feel that i've followed God's leading out of baltimore to....nothing.
there's nothing in front of me right now. nothing except searching for jobs that don't thrill me in places that make me sigh with resignation and sifting through a bunch of opportunities that, while amazing, just don't seem quite right. in saying this i know that while it appears to me that there is nothing in front of me, God has better vision than i do and He can see what is in front of me, even if it's a long way off. but that's not what i've been feeling and thinking these last few days.
what i've seen and thought and felt has been distressing, worrisome and heartbreaking. it's ranged from, "how did i ever get here?" to "maybe i'm about to be diagnosed with some life-ending disease, so there's no point in anything being in front of me" and everything in between (yeah....i tend to borrow a lot of troubles).
and then yesterday, i was at barnes and noble, feeling rather sorry for myself, doing my study time, when i kept getting the feeling that i simply needed to be thankful and to find the good in what God has given me today:
deuteronomy 12:7 "rejoice in all your undertakings in which the Lord your God has blessed you."
1 thessalonians 5:18 "in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
and through the book i'm reading (ruthless trust, brennan manning), in which the title of the chapter i was reading through yesterday was, "the way of gratefulness."
here are some of the things mr. manning says (or quotes):
"the person with an abiding spirit of gratitude in the one who trusts God."
"underlying every cry of the grateful sinner is an unshaken trust in the person and promise of Jesus."
"uncontaminated trust in the revelation of Jesus allows us to breathe more freely, to dance more joyfully, and to sing more gratefully about the gift of salvation."
and my 2 favorite:
"to be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives -- the good as well as the bad...that requires hard spiritual work...let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God." (quoting henri nouwen)
"to be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness."
and so, here is my doxology in darkness...the things i'm grateful for despite everything else...
*living near my family again
*having the freedom to travel and meet with friends in the area without time/work constraints
*having a place to live...for free
*having food, clothes, transportation, and other basics...more than i could ever need
*living in a house with a dog (and no mice who leave evidences of themselves all over the kitchen)
*technology to be able to keep up with the people i love in all parts of the country (and world)
*the end of summer sounds, weather, and sunsets
*i can volunteer (when i find places to do that)
*the fact that fall is simply right around the corner
*the time i have to revisit experiences from my past
*time to process, think, and let God make me whole again...unlimited time, at the moment...
*time to read
*friends and family
there are a lot of things i could dwell on in my life that are, shall we say, less than desirable, there is a lot of good in my life as well. presently. formerly. and in the future.
i am choosing the way of gratefulness. choosing to write a doxology in darkness.
and i do believe that it will be a daily (hourly?) decision to make, but if i'm really going to trust God, to really trust Him, then i also need to be grateful to Him for everything in my life...good, bad, and otherwise.
there's nothing in front of me right now. nothing except searching for jobs that don't thrill me in places that make me sigh with resignation and sifting through a bunch of opportunities that, while amazing, just don't seem quite right. in saying this i know that while it appears to me that there is nothing in front of me, God has better vision than i do and He can see what is in front of me, even if it's a long way off. but that's not what i've been feeling and thinking these last few days.
what i've seen and thought and felt has been distressing, worrisome and heartbreaking. it's ranged from, "how did i ever get here?" to "maybe i'm about to be diagnosed with some life-ending disease, so there's no point in anything being in front of me" and everything in between (yeah....i tend to borrow a lot of troubles).
and then yesterday, i was at barnes and noble, feeling rather sorry for myself, doing my study time, when i kept getting the feeling that i simply needed to be thankful and to find the good in what God has given me today:
deuteronomy 12:7 "rejoice in all your undertakings in which the Lord your God has blessed you."
1 thessalonians 5:18 "in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
and through the book i'm reading (ruthless trust, brennan manning), in which the title of the chapter i was reading through yesterday was, "the way of gratefulness."
here are some of the things mr. manning says (or quotes):
"the person with an abiding spirit of gratitude in the one who trusts God."
"underlying every cry of the grateful sinner is an unshaken trust in the person and promise of Jesus."
"uncontaminated trust in the revelation of Jesus allows us to breathe more freely, to dance more joyfully, and to sing more gratefully about the gift of salvation."
and my 2 favorite:
"to be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives -- the good as well as the bad...that requires hard spiritual work...let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God." (quoting henri nouwen)
"to be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness."
and so, here is my doxology in darkness...the things i'm grateful for despite everything else...
*living near my family again
*having the freedom to travel and meet with friends in the area without time/work constraints
*having a place to live...for free
*having food, clothes, transportation, and other basics...more than i could ever need
*living in a house with a dog (and no mice who leave evidences of themselves all over the kitchen)
*technology to be able to keep up with the people i love in all parts of the country (and world)
*the end of summer sounds, weather, and sunsets
*i can volunteer (when i find places to do that)
*the fact that fall is simply right around the corner
*the time i have to revisit experiences from my past
*time to process, think, and let God make me whole again...unlimited time, at the moment...
*time to read
*friends and family
there are a lot of things i could dwell on in my life that are, shall we say, less than desirable, there is a lot of good in my life as well. presently. formerly. and in the future.
i am choosing the way of gratefulness. choosing to write a doxology in darkness.
and i do believe that it will be a daily (hourly?) decision to make, but if i'm really going to trust God, to really trust Him, then i also need to be grateful to Him for everything in my life...good, bad, and otherwise.
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