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goodness gracious

y'all, do you ever have one of those days? goodnight, today at school just about did me in.
don't get me wrong, i love my kids. love them. but sometimes, they send me home with a headache, digging into the ice cream.

see, i have some friends. some lovable, amazing, smart, but beyond challenging friends. like, drive me crazy challenging. about 1/4 of them (which, in a class of less than 20, is a pretty significant number). and on top of them, there are probably another 1/4 who could join the antics of the others in pretty wonderful ways at any moment. so about half the class keeps us constantly on our toes. but those first ones? it's a given that at least once (and more likely, twice or more) during the day, each one of them will flip their switch and go from amazing to "take the kid out of the class now". i'm pretty much never surprised when i walk in the door of the classroom.

but there's this one friend of mine. who is absolutely precious. the best smile. the biggest eyes. very compassionate and loving.
except.
except when this friend decides not to be. and by not to be, i mean yelling, hissing, spitting, throwing chairs, moving tables, throwing toys (and anything else in the way), hitting, kicking, trying to tear clothes and books, biting, scratching, and so on.
and i say decides because the kid totally knows what's going on. very much makes the choice.
and in the class, we're kind of at the end. nothing we're trying is working to make it better. and it's been escalating. y'all? at the end of my rope with this kid.
i have a pretty good feeling what's going on and why the behavior is the way it is. i'm almost 100% positive of my assessment of the situation.
but what do you do when you know that what will stop the behavior is the same exact thing that causes it? (and here's where i get scared about ever having kids in the future and doubt my abilities with children in general....when nothing works and you've done everything you know you can do, but the behavior isn't changing, what do you do??)

i love this kid. i mean, a lot. from the moment i met this kid last year, my heart was captured. sweet. smart. funny. curious. timid. compassionate. talkative. loves giving hugs to everyone. a helper. amazing child.
when i was in the office the other day with her because we had to leave the room, i mean, i just wanted to cry. tears in my eyes, looking at the child, not having any idea what to do.
just wanting to love the kid. to let them know that despite everything that goes on and all the problems we have, they are amazing. they are so special and have so many awesome qualities. how unique they are. how much God loves the kid. how much God has planned for the kid. that no matter what happens or what anyone else says or does, God loves them and thinks the world of them.
wishing that a great big hug would solve all the kid's problems. 
knowing that it's just not going to, and realizing that i've made so many mistakes with them and wondering how on earth they will ever see beyond what i do sometimes to the truth that's there. 

i've been so angry at times about the fact that i am where i am. why aren't i in a "real" school? why haven't any teaching jobs opened up there? working so far away from where i live, getting paid just enough to make it, not really ever feeling like i'm using my degree,  and so on. having no idea why i am where i am.
but.
maybe, just maybe, it's for this little kid. to love the kid more than it is thought possible.
to show them how much God loves them.
to be God to them.
or maybe, just maybe, it's for me. to teach me what it means to really love someone who's challenging that left and right. to teach me that exactly what i want this kid to know about how God sees them and loves them, is the same for me.
or maybe it's both. or neither.

maybe there's a purpose that i just don't see all the time.
i don't exactly know what's going on. or why (and this rings true for oh so many areas of my life, not just my job).
but i'm learning to trust. and to love. and to live in God's purpose.


i hope that you're doing the same. and that you realize exactly how special you are to God. and that He loves you just exactly the same way He loves this kid. that no matter what, you are loved. and special.


and, if you have any suggestions/advice/encouragement....they are more than welcome!

Comments

Katie said…
Crazy that I'm reading your post today, Brooke. I just had a "dive into the icecream" kind of day for a very similar reason with one if my very special students and am totally at a loss...I've got nothin'...
sorry, no advice here, just hugs :)
xoxo -katie

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