Living the Questions

Do you ever look around and think to yourself that life looks nothing like you thought it would? In the last few months, I've done this over and over again.  I never thought that at 30 I would be basically unemployed, living in my parents' house, single, and without much of a clue as to what my life was going to look like in the near (and far) future. I never considered that I would be so tenuously supported, without a way to securely provide for myself in so many ways.  My life feels so temporary right now -- temporarily living back at home, temporarily borrowing their spare car (because mine decided its life was over when I made it leave New Orleans), temporarily substitute teaching (which is, in and of itself, a very insecure and temporary job). I am waiting on so many things, but mostly, I'm waiting on a more permanent place in life. And a huge part of that is a job that provides the means to support myself, live on my own, buy a car (among other things, like a c...

Story. It's a word with a lot of meanings and uses.  We tell stories. We read stories. People referred to their soap operas as "afternoon stories" (anyone else??). We ask children not to tell stories when we mean we don't want them to lie. For centuries, entire histories of civilizations were passed down through story. Our favorite shows and movies envelop us in stories. Much of what we learn in school and church is told through story. Stories are extremely important to us as a society, as people. They are inescapable. And we love them. We love stories that draw us in, that transport us to another time or life, that inspire us to live better lives and be better people, where the hero (or heroine) wins and the day is saved, where lives and entire worlds are changed. Stories connect us to one another in a way nothing else does. In an ancient and foundational way, we come together as one through stories. They unite us in a mysterious way. This is so evident at ...

As I finished writing the post yesterday and let it sit all night long, it felt unfinished. There was more that didn't fit into that particular writing. There are two other ways in which Proverbs 3:6 is encouraging to me (at the moment, anyway). His straight, not mine  runs in so many more directions than just the one I shared yesterday, directions I don't know or understand. I have a dear friend who I don't get to see that often. When we talk and she asks what my plans are, I usually end up telling her I have no idea! I can't see what's ahead, and I don't know what God wants me to do. She usually says to me that I just need to love God and then do what I want. Because if I'm loving God, then He's going to work it all out. She uses the analogy of a cruise ship. There are a lot of things one can do on board -- swimming, sleeping, eating, playing, etc. But no matter which activity you're engaged in, the ship is still heading in the same direction. ...

Whenever I have a huge decision to make, I stress. My default mode is "what if I'm wrong??" This has been true for the last 10+ years of my life. College, mission trips during college, where to teach after college, quitting teaching, moving to Baltimore, leaving Baltimore, beginning seminary. All decisions fraught with questions, doubts, fears. And I'm there again. Graduated from seminary, looking for the next step. Wondering. Doubting. Questioning. Hoping. Dreaming. Fearing.  Every big decision is the same. You'd think I'd have learned by now just to decide or jump or trust or whatever. But no. The reason for this struggle is that I so badly long to do what I am meant to do. I long to follow God where He is leading, to fulfill the purpose He has planned for me from the beginning. But I'm only human. And so how on earth do I know what God has planned for me? And how on earth can I possibly do that without screwing it up completely?  I look at vers...