so, it's been about a week since i last posted.
but it feels like it's been about a month.
for some reason, this last week feels as though it has been very full, with lots going on.
this isn't, however, the case.
i haven't been insanely busy. i haven't been out and about all the time.
things have happened, but i don't feel as though this week has been any more eventful than others.
i tend to measure my weeks by the weekends. that's how i remember when things are happening, or what has already happened. and last weekend seems like it was ages ago.
in thinking about this last week, beginning with last friday night to now, i'm coming to the belief that the reason i feel like the week has been so long is because of the emotions i've experienced all week long.
the emotional ride i've put myself through this week has caused the week to feel extraordinarily long.
emotions are a beautiful thing. a God-given gift. they allow you to feel, to experience things on another level. imagine going through life without any emotions -- life would be boring. horrible. because not all emotions are bad. joy, excitement, anticipation, surprise, happiness, love, optimism, trust...these are wonderful things to experience. even sadness can be beautiful.
however.
some emotions are not beautiful things to experience.
worry, stress, remorse, disappointment, anger, confusion, fear.
these emotions aren't beautiful things to experience, because they turn normal, wonderful events and experiences into nightmares.
and my worst nightmares are not those that happen while i'm asleep.
they happen when i take events and analyze them, breaking them apart, piece by piece, wondering why certain things have happened, why i said that, what someone else meant (in words or actions), why something is different than before, what the others involved were thinking, should i have reacted the way i did.
these are my worst nightmares.
because what i come up with in my head? often isn't anywhere near reality.
the things i worry others are thinking or meaning are usually not what's really going on.
i know that overthinking everything is a tendency of mine.
and i know that it's generally not a positive tendency or a desirable trait.
i think that it can be a good thing, because in my overthinking everything, i tend to be more cautious in certain situations. i view all sides of something before acting (or i try, at least). i weigh options, consequences, outcomes, words, actions. this, i think, is the good part of my overthinking.
otherwise, overthinking is not such a good thing.
but in my overthinking, the thing that i'm seeing over and over again is communication. open and honest communication. the willingness to share myself (even if it hurts) with those around me, from my closest friends to the strangers i pass on the street.
and so i'm questioning this in me: am i willing to live openly and honestly? am i willing to be hurt every now and then? am i doing everything i can to be honest? to be clear? to be the same with everyone?
i know the answers. right now, honestly, the answer is no. i'm not being open, honest, and clear. i'm not always willing to share myself, my thoughts, my worries.
i hide. all the time.
from myself. from my friends. sometimes, i even try to hide from God (that works real well. ask adam and eve).
the reason?
fear.
of being embarrased. of things changing. of getting lost.
of offending. of annoying.
of getting hurt.
but if i don't live openly, honestly, and generously, what am i missing? what am i keeping myself and others from experiencing when i let my fear hold me back?
i think that answer is a lot.
yes, living that way takes risks. it takes a willingness to be hurt. to be embarrassed. to be lost. to change.
it takes trust.
trust in yourself. trust in your friends. trust in strangers, even.
and faith in God.
because God knows. He knows my emotions and thoughts. He knows those of the others around me.
and He's got it all under control.
no matter what.
so, i'm learning. struggling, but learning.
to live openly, honestly, willingly, generously.
to live without fear.
a life full of emotions, trust, and faith.
but it feels like it's been about a month.
for some reason, this last week feels as though it has been very full, with lots going on.
this isn't, however, the case.
i haven't been insanely busy. i haven't been out and about all the time.
things have happened, but i don't feel as though this week has been any more eventful than others.
i tend to measure my weeks by the weekends. that's how i remember when things are happening, or what has already happened. and last weekend seems like it was ages ago.
in thinking about this last week, beginning with last friday night to now, i'm coming to the belief that the reason i feel like the week has been so long is because of the emotions i've experienced all week long.
the emotional ride i've put myself through this week has caused the week to feel extraordinarily long.
emotions are a beautiful thing. a God-given gift. they allow you to feel, to experience things on another level. imagine going through life without any emotions -- life would be boring. horrible. because not all emotions are bad. joy, excitement, anticipation, surprise, happiness, love, optimism, trust...these are wonderful things to experience. even sadness can be beautiful.
however.
some emotions are not beautiful things to experience.
worry, stress, remorse, disappointment, anger, confusion, fear.
these emotions aren't beautiful things to experience, because they turn normal, wonderful events and experiences into nightmares.
and my worst nightmares are not those that happen while i'm asleep.
they happen when i take events and analyze them, breaking them apart, piece by piece, wondering why certain things have happened, why i said that, what someone else meant (in words or actions), why something is different than before, what the others involved were thinking, should i have reacted the way i did.
these are my worst nightmares.
because what i come up with in my head? often isn't anywhere near reality.
the things i worry others are thinking or meaning are usually not what's really going on.
i know that overthinking everything is a tendency of mine.
and i know that it's generally not a positive tendency or a desirable trait.
i think that it can be a good thing, because in my overthinking everything, i tend to be more cautious in certain situations. i view all sides of something before acting (or i try, at least). i weigh options, consequences, outcomes, words, actions. this, i think, is the good part of my overthinking.
otherwise, overthinking is not such a good thing.
but in my overthinking, the thing that i'm seeing over and over again is communication. open and honest communication. the willingness to share myself (even if it hurts) with those around me, from my closest friends to the strangers i pass on the street.
and so i'm questioning this in me: am i willing to live openly and honestly? am i willing to be hurt every now and then? am i doing everything i can to be honest? to be clear? to be the same with everyone?
i know the answers. right now, honestly, the answer is no. i'm not being open, honest, and clear. i'm not always willing to share myself, my thoughts, my worries.
i hide. all the time.
from myself. from my friends. sometimes, i even try to hide from God (that works real well. ask adam and eve).
the reason?
fear.
of being embarrased. of things changing. of getting lost.
of offending. of annoying.
of getting hurt.
but if i don't live openly, honestly, and generously, what am i missing? what am i keeping myself and others from experiencing when i let my fear hold me back?
i think that answer is a lot.
yes, living that way takes risks. it takes a willingness to be hurt. to be embarrassed. to be lost. to change.
it takes trust.
trust in yourself. trust in your friends. trust in strangers, even.
and faith in God.
because God knows. He knows my emotions and thoughts. He knows those of the others around me.
and He's got it all under control.
no matter what.
so, i'm learning. struggling, but learning.
to live openly, honestly, willingly, generously.
to live without fear.
a life full of emotions, trust, and faith.
***************************************
do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
isaiah 41:10
when my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path...
psalm 142:3
there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear...
1 john 4:18
do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you," declares the LORD.
jeremiah 1:8
be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
deuteronomy 31:6
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