34.

One of the things I love most about my birthday is that it falls so close to the beginning of the year. A new calendar year and new life year start together. 
I also love that I share a birthday with Kate, Duchess of Cambridge. 
You know, the important things. 

I've thought a lot about this year and what it would be like. Not because I've now officially hit my mid-30's (oh my goodness, really??) but what will 2019 and 34 hold?

The last two years have been the hardest I've faced. Everything felt like it was breaking to pieces, and I was never fast enough to gather them all up before they landed, or good enough to keep everything together. These pieces were significant chunks of my identity. Things (and people!) I had placed a lot of value in, that I thought defined me, were gone. Slowly, suddenly, systematically, chaotically. It felt very much like I was being stripped away, and that there wasn't much else there. 

At the same time, the world also seemed to be falling apart. I felt, as Carson on Downton Abbey once did, that there was "a shaking of the ground I stand on," only maybe a more violent shaking than this well-loved fictional English butler was alluding to. 

That's how I would define the last couple of years: a stripping and a shaking. Through a seemingly endless wilderness, walking (or dragging, because sometimes in those wilderness times, walking is impossible). Through feeling my way in the darkness. And doing most of it alone. 

God was so faithful the whole time, though, y'all. I saw Him move in ways I never expected, and I learned so much. About Him, about love, about me, about others. And a few months ago, something changed. All of a sudden there was hope again. A peace I could not explain. It was as if something finally settled into place, and the darkness was finally breaking. 

Awhile back, I saw people picking words for the new year. I really liked the idea of a theme word for a season, so I joined in. It never went as planned. The words I landed on seemed to be themes for random amounts of time -- true seasonal words, as opposed to yearly words. It often wouldn't even be a word, but a verse or song lyric that was defining for that season -- phrases that became the prayers of my heart. 

This year, as I prayed over a theme for 2019, the word "wilderness" kept showing up. Y'all. I resisted. Come on, God. Really? After all this? Wilderness? But the word stayed, and was then accompanied by a verse.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth, 

do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

and rivers in the desert. 

Isaiah 43:19

I don't see the future, and I can't know what's coming. But I am entering this year with more hope than I've had in a long time. Because even without knowing all this year holds, I know that God is doing new things everyday. That He's making ways in wildernesses and rivers in deserts. 

I'm hoping for good. For faith to be made sight. For peace. Love. Light. For new things. For Him.  

I'm believing God for this promise, for all His promises. 

And I know He'll come through. 

Because He always keeps His promises.