trust

i struggle with trust.

i used to think i was a very trusting person. 

and i am. if you're a stranger.

i generally trust you not to hurt me. 

i expect that you are safe to be around.

(for the most part. though i do basically feel safe everywhere and will go places other people think will get me in trouble, and despite the opinions of others, i do have warning bells that tell me when i don't need to be somewhere. i think they just take longer to go off than with other people, or they register potential danger differently).

i'm also more likely to tell someone i don't know more personal stuff. weird.
anyway, i pretty much trust most people.

and on the surface, i trust the people i know, too. 

but more often than not, i'll have trouble trusting you with the big things.

the things that stay inside. 

that you don't really want anyone to know. 

that you sometimes don't even want to acknowledge yourself.

the things that make you feel vulnerable and exposed even thinking about other people knowing.

they may not be bad or embarrassing things but just insecurities or fears or something.

these are the things with which i have trouble trusting people. 

however.

that's not the issue here.

i've discovered that not only do i struggle with trusting people, i also struggle with trusting God.

trusting God?

really?

there have been times in the past when i remember trusting implicitly that things were going to be taken care of, that everything was going to be ok, that God was in control and that God would provide. 

but right now, i'm really struggling to trust.

to trust God to provide. 

to trust God to provide financially (especially when it seems you just can't get above water). 

to trust Him to provide a church.

to provide a ministry to be a part of.
to trust God for the past, for the present, and for the future.
to trust Him to take care of the people hurting in our community.

to provide opportunities to travel. 

to provide times to see my friends and family who live far away.
to trust Him with friendships (and relationships in general). 

to trust God to show me where He has me headed.
to provide wisdom.
to have faith that He is there with the sick, in the midst of pain, when there's confusion, when the world seems so completely lost. 

to simply trust Him with the big and the small things. 

but i've also realized that i'm struggling to trust God with who i am.

that in my insecurities and fears about who i am and how God created me, i'm not trusting God.

i'm basically discounting the fact that He had a plan in how He created me.

that He designed me (all of us) specifically, and for a reason.

i don't have any answers.

at least, not beyond an identification of the fact that trusting is not coming easy.

i know that God tells us in His word that He can be trusted. 

that He's in control.

He has a plan, a purpose. 

He loves us. me. you.

but knowing and doing are two different things.
and that's the lesson i'm learning right now. 
to trust.
completely, fully, with no hesitation.
in everything.
because our God is worthy of that, and deserves nothing less.