that's right.
i now live in new orleans.
to go to seminary.
to study for full-time ministry.
i can't believe i just wrote those sentences.
when we first got here, all i could think was
surreal.
surely i'm not actually doing this.
surely this is wrong.
i'm living here?
to learn and do ministry?
God, are you sure?
this was not in the plan. my plan never including having 6 different jobs since graduating from college or moving to baltimore, back to atlanta, and then to new orleans. my plan never included thinking about leaving teaching for a completely different career. my plan also never included being single at 26 (or when i graduated college for that matter).
other people said to me, "you'll end up doing _________" (like my sister, who randomly told me once while we were in high school i was going to be a missionary to peru), but i never listened. i guess part of it was fear -- i don't know that life! that's scary, to be far from home and engaged in missions full time. i can't do that! but another part of it was that i just had no desire to do anything else.
and yet, here i am.
in some ways, i feel like i'm home. not in the, 'this is where i'm living for the rest of my life sense', but in the, 'this is what i'm supposed to be doing' sense.
it is inescapable.
yes, i have a lot of doubts. and some of them are rather large.
but when i'm able to see past the doubts, i get the sense that i'm exactly where i'm meant to be.
for what, i am not completely sure.
i have some ideas.
and some dreams (visions? missions? calls? i don't know what to call them) floating around in my thoughts that i'm trying to get some clarity and direction on.
in other ways, my head is screaming, 'turn back! this is hard! you can't do this! you have no way to live and you don't know anyone...plus, do you really think you can do ministry like this?'
simply turning a corner can bring up new doubts and insecurities (or resurrect the old ones rather forcefully).
an example:
today i was turning in a couple job applications to work on campus. one of the questions was my relation to the seminary, to which i replied, 'student'. however, at both places, the people taking the application looked at it and said, "so your husband is a student?" no. i am. i am the one studying here. surprisingly, these incidences did not bring up insecurities about being single, but rather those about being able to do ministry, and the type of ministry i want to do.
another example:
making friends. loads of insecurities assault you when you're new somewhere and trying to make friends and build relationships.
but when i look at who i am and my passions, where i've been and the journey God has taken me on, it is hard not to see a lot of it leading up to this point.
it's hard not to see God directing certain events and lessons to get me where i am now.
it's hard not to see it all adding up to something that God has been planning for me and my meager life since i was born.
and so, when i feel that all this is surreal, completely unbelievable, i must admit that it isn't really.
and it makes me think of these verses:
proverbs 16:9 the mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.
proverbs 19:21 many plans are in a man's heart, but the counsel of the Lord will stand.
jeremiah 1:5 before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you...
jeremiah 29:11 for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord...
growing up, i had a plan. my life is nothing like i imagined it ever being.
and praise God for that, that He knew what plans He had. that He has directed my steps even when i had no stinking idea it was happening.
praise God that He loves me and knows me enough to give me what i truly need in my soul, not simply what i desire in a moment's whim.
oh, praise God.
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