a beautiful journey

granting grace, plus another list

2011-12-10T10:29:00.001-05:00

y'all.

i never thought this week would end.

there was so much to do and i just didn't know how it was all going to get done. in fact, starting on sunday, i was completely overwhelmed by all that was due. and on tuesday, i felt like i was going to cry at any moment trying to get it done. because i knew that though i really, really wanted to turn it all in on time, there was just no possible way it was going to happen.

i didn't even procrastinate that much (i'd be lying if i said i didn't procrastinate at all). i started to work on the first and biggest assignment awhile ago. i thought i would finish it, then do the second assignment, then do the third.

haha.

it came to monday night and i realized i wasn't going to finish the first paper, so i started the second one. stayed up all night wednesday night. i mean, seriously. i slept maybe 45 minutes. luckily i have a couple of amazing friends who helped me stay awake that long because they were working on stuff, too. praise the Lord for that! without them, i wouldn't have made it much past midnight.

and i still didn't finish. the day it was due, i had to go talk to my professor and tell him that i just couldn't do it. i had so much due that week and i grossly underestimated how much it really was, and my ability to get it done.

then later that day, i had to go to my other professor, the one for whom the big paper was due on friday and tell him that there was no way i was going to be able to finish it by the due date. that i tried, but i just couldn't make it happen.

i had to go to two professors in one day and tell them that i wasn't going to be able to turn the assignment in on time. and these are major assignments. like, grade-determining assignments.

let me say a few things.

1. i love school. i love learning and reading and studying. i'm not as big a fan of writing papers, but still, i love school. and because i love school, i'm a pretty good student.

2. i love to organize and plan, and my calendar is color-coded and all my work is planned out, to the day.

3. only once before now have i ever had to go to a professor and ask for an extension (it was a reading class in college, and truly i waited too long to do it, and it cost me on the assignment). that's because i hate turning in assignments late.

now, i really didn't want to tell my professors that i wasn't able to do the work for them. it felt partly disrespectful, that i was saying something else was more important than their class and that i didn't feel the need to do my work on time (like when you're late to meet people all the time -- it's disrespectful of that person). that wasn't what i was saying, but i felt like they were going to feel that way. it also felt a little like failure. a good student doesn't have to turn in assignments late, and i felt like i was failing because i struggled to do the work on time.

honestly, i didn't go to them to ask for an extension. i was simply telling them that the assignment would be late, and that i understood that i would have a penalty because of that. i just needed them to know that i hadn't turned it in and that i was working on it.

and you know what both professors did?

both of them asked me when i could have it done.

both said, 'it's ok.'

the first gave me the weekend, with only a few points taken for lateness, rather than the full ten.

the second gave me an entire week, with no late penalty at all.

both showed me a lot of grace.

grace i didn't deserve, but i guess that's the point of grace, right?

even though i didn't want to go to my professors and say, "i'm sorry. i just couldn't do it," i had no other choice. so i pushed aside that pride that said i could do it all (and almost made me sick from staying up all night long), and told them the truth.

and they showed me grace.

praise the Lord.

and because they showed me grace, i was able to spend some time with friends last night, and take a break from working so hard. i was able to relax, and i will be able to do better work than i would have had i turned the papers in on time.

so i have a new to do list!

~~10-15 page paper~~

15-20 page paper

take home final

in class final

and other things that are on my to do list, but have nothing to do with school (like, exploring christmas in nola, baking christmas goodies for people, christmas shopping, cleaning, and other miscellaneous fun :))!

and i must go begin to do this work so i actually can turn in quality work and not abuse the grace that i've been shown.

have a happy day!

the countdown

2011-11-26T11:46:00.001-05:00

we're about three weeks until the end of this semester.

i. can. not. wait.

standing between me and two-ish weeks of NOTHING PRESSING to do are:

~~a drive back to nola~~

1 15-20 page research paper

1 10-12 page research paper

1 8-10 page research paper

~~1 3-5 page paper~~

at least 200 pages worth of reading

about 5 journal entries

lots of fun holiday things in the city

two finals

and all those papers? yeah, they're all due within 3 days of each other. which basically means that once i get back to nola, i'll be going into hibernation. i have a feeling the library and i are going to be best friends at the end of these two weeks. and also that i may have to up my intake of caffeine in hopes that it *might* keep me awake.

here's hoping i'll finish this first semester on campus with excellence and mental capacities that are still intact and functioning properly.

procrastination!

2011-11-10T22:09:00.000-05:00

the entire purpose of this post is because i should be writing a paper that should be easy to write, but i'm not in the writing mood, so inspiration is slim.

it's really cold here today. and it will be tomorrow, too, but after that it's going to be warm again. new orleans is a fun city, but its weather is going to frustrate me :)

we have 5 weeks left in the semester and there is so much to do! i have 5 papers, 2 tests, and numerous books to read. that's just school work. i'll be sooo glad when this semester is finished and there's a break that doesn't involve school work to be done!

come on christmas!

motivation!

2011-10-05T20:31:00.000-04:00

i think you should know that as i was typing the title to this post, i was singing it to a made up tune in my head...

i have two papers due next week. one massive one and one that won't be so difficult. this means however, that i have less than a week to finish both of them and that means that i cannot spend any time doing anything other than work, school, or writing/researching.

but.

i've developed this "fall break is almost here, i don't want to do anything important right now" mentality. which is curious since i'll be doing school stuff all during fall break simply to catch up and then get ahead a little.

so tonight, as i am about to get started on my work, i made a "motivation sheet!" that i can look at when i want to give up:

using that verse might be a bit of a stretch, since i doubt the writer was thinking about writing 20 pg papers when he said it, but it seemed to fit. it includes baking and crafting and spending time with people, of course....and yes, that does also say that when i finish i can organize things and then look through the new catalog nobts just let out.

whatever it takes, people. whatever it takes. :)

here's a post of random things

2011-09-16T00:42:00.001-04:00

the weather here right now is kind of great. it was hot-ish today, but tonight has been almost chilly.

yesterday, we sent home several kids who were throwing up. one mom picked her kid up and said, "you threw up? are you practicing for bulimia?" i'm sorry. even if you are joking and your kid can't understand what you're saying, why on earth would you joke with your child about that? i about died.

i'm super tired right now, and i'm not sure why.

i had to turn in a theology paper the other day, and it was a bit of a struggle. i've never written a theology paper before....i guess we'll see how it went when i get it back.

my roommate lori and i went to see the movie "one day" last weekend (which my sister and i both wanted to see, but we don't live in the same city :( ). it was a wonderful movie. definitely one that i will buy when it comes out if i have the money :) if it is playing in a theater near you, you should go see it.

speaking of movies, there are a lot of good movies coming out soon.

i kind of like that before all my classes, the professors take time to pray and listen to prayer requests. it's nice.

i just made saints cookies for black and gold day at the daycare tomorrow....i'll post a picture later...

there have been a lot of moments since i've been here where i've experienced deja vu...at weird times and places...and also, several times where i'm not having deja vu but i feel like situations are eerily reminiscent of past situations. it's a little strange.

a verse i read yesterday:

forever, o Lord, Your word is settled in heaven. Your faithfulness continues throughout all generations; You established the earth, and it stands.

psalm 119:89-90

seeing God's hand

2011-08-29T19:31:00.001-04:00

classes started this week.

on top of a job and spending time with people, there's now a ton of work to do, which is exciting :)

i've been in new orleans for 4 weeks as of friday.

coming into seminary, i think i was woefully unprepared for what i would be doing and getting into.

i expected to have an amazing experience, to make wonderful friends, to learn a lot and to simply enjoy being here. i knew it would be difficult sometimes, because life always is, but i didn't really think that it would be a lot of trouble.

i didn't expect to have the struggles i've had.

i didn't expect for it to be this hard, only 4 weeks in.

i didn't expect to have to buy a new computer.

or to feel like i had no friends.

or to feel like i was so out of place.

or to get a job at a place i'm not particularly excited about, and within a few days start hoping that i could find something else.

i didn't expect any of that.

they said at orientation that if you don't have a breakdown at least once while you're in seminary then you probably haven't done something right. i've been here 4 weeks, and i've already met and surpassed my quota.

i don't mean to say or to sound like i'm depressed, because i'm not. or to make you believe that i hate it here, because i don't. i actually really like it here. new orleans is a great place and the people here are wonderful. it's just been hard.

but in those difficulties, i've seen God.

when He provided friends.

and a job (even if it's not my favorite).

and conversations with people that help us understand each other.

and time to hang out in the city.

even down to the fact that about a year ago, God gave me a desire to start reading the Old Testament more and now i'm not only taking the OT class, but i have to read the whole thing this semester. praise God i've read several of the books already because He gave me that desire.

and when i'm really battling and struggling with insecurities and doubts and reliving past situations, i get phone calls from people to encourage me about those very things. and the book i've got to read for my spiritual formation class addressed those very issues in the first chapter.

yeah, life stinks sometimes. it's hard and we don't always understand why. ministry if tough. learning to do ministry is tough. and when you're doing what God has called you to do, when you're stepping into the role God has for you to play, you're going to be attacked.

but in those moments, God is there.

He never left.

and He lets us know He's there by doing those little things in your life. or those big things.

when life is tough, God is strong.

and the tough times help us to learn to trust Him, though it is hard in the midst of the struggle.

but over and over again He says, "do not fear, I am with you" and He beckons us to come to Him, to follow Him and to abide with Him.

and i love that He shows us His love all the time, but especially when we are able to see God's hand in every part of our life and our journey.

solving a mystery

2011-08-14T19:31:00.000-04:00

not a big one, and one that had been forgotten by me until the answer presented itself...at least, what i'm assuming to be the answer...

i drive past city park everyday on the way to work. it is absolutely beautiful, so i have been wanting to spend some time there (we all know how much i love the park). i got back from buying some groceries, and i decided to go today and explore city park a little, since i had the time. i looked up the park online to make sure i knew a bit about the layout of the park and to see what all city park had to offer, when i saw the description of storyland.

and all of a sudden, i remembered something i hadn't thought about in a really long time. when i was little, we lived in the middle of nowhere. the road was dirt and we were surrounded by woods and a few other houses. we walked down our road to pick blackberries, and the creek was behind our house (granted, my sister and i weren't the play in the woods types, so we didn't venture back there much...). i used to have this dream about walking down our road and through the woods to a fairytale land. little houses, characters from books, etc. at the time, i always thought they were a little weird, because the dreams felt soo real, like i really was in a fairytale world. i never could figure the dreams out, and being you know, 10 or younger, i didn't really try very hard. but they still had this mysterious, "these dreams are important, this really happened" kind of feel to them. today, i couldn't begin to tell you what happened in all those dreams, other than walking through the woods into a fairytale world.

so after reading a little, taking some pictures, and walking around a bit, i drove around the park to look for storyland.

and i'm pretty sure i discovered where at least some of the source of those dreams came from. storyland at city park. i could be wrong -- we may never have gone there when we lived in new orleans; i don't remember. and i didn't get this overwhelming feeling that this was what i had been dreaming of when i was little, but there has to be some sort of connection...

the entrance to storyland

various fairytale characters and scenes

the storyland castle when you walk in/out

and through these experiences at city park today, i decided that city park > patterson park, the park that functioned as our backyard in baltimore....but that's another post for another day....

loving the questions

2011-08-14T11:24:00.000-04:00

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer....

rainer maria rilke

pictures!

2011-08-06T22:17:00.001-04:00

i posted just a couple days ago, but this time i'm including a few pictures!

the new state i'm living in....

my new living space...

a picture wall/closet...

i got a library card yesterday!

it rained a lot the other day...

and on a side note, i've been to the grocery store twice and each time the sky has decided to open in a big way...both times i was caught without an umbrella...and i've now decided i should probably just keep a spare in my car...

while i was in said grocery store, i had to ask for help finding honey, and the guy stocking the cans told me where it was. when i said thank you, he said, "no problem. i always like helping the pretty girls." that may be the nicest thing someone has said to me since i've been here. which, admittedly has only been a week as of yesterday. and it's not like people are walking around being rude, it was just nice....

today i went to the satchmo summerfest, which is just a jazz fest to celebrate louis armstrong (whose middle name, by the way, is "satchmo"). i've also learned that his birthday is august 4th, which is why the festival is in august, and i learned not to stand right next to the speakers when listening to the band b/c you'll walk away not being able to hear quite right....

i tried to upload a video of the treme brass band doing, "what a wonderful world," but blogger wouldn't let me...

in other news, pray for little caden stanley, the newest member of the stanley family, who are some amazing people! he was born just this week, and is having open heart surgery on monday.

1st update from my new home....

2011-08-03T23:37:00.000-04:00

that's right.

i now live in new orleans.

to go to seminary.

to study for full-time ministry.

i can't believe i just wrote those sentences.

when we first got here, all i could think was

surreal.

surely i'm not actually doing this.

surely this is wrong.

i'm living here?

to learn and do ministry?

God, are you sure?

this was not in the plan. my plan never including having 6 different jobs since graduating from college or moving to baltimore, back to atlanta, and then to new orleans. my plan never included thinking about leaving teaching for a completely different career. my plan also never included being single at 26 (or when i graduated college for that matter).

other people said to me, "you'll end up doing _________" (like my sister, who randomly told me once while we were in high school i was going to be a missionary to peru), but i never listened. i guess part of it was fear -- i don't know that life! that's scary, to be far from home and engaged in missions full time. i can't do that! but another part of it was that i just had no desire to do anything else.

and yet, here i am.

in some ways, i feel like i'm home. not in the, 'this is where i'm living for the rest of my life sense', but in the, 'this is what i'm supposed to be doing' sense.

it is inescapable.

yes, i have a lot of doubts. and some of them are rather large.

but when i'm able to see past the doubts, i get the sense that i'm exactly where i'm meant to be.

for what, i am not completely sure.

i have some ideas.

and some dreams (visions? missions? calls? i don't know what to call them) floating around in my thoughts that i'm trying to get some clarity and direction on.

in other ways, my head is screaming, 'turn back! this is hard! you can't do this! you have no way to live and you don't know anyone...plus, do you really think you can do ministry like this?'

simply turning a corner can bring up new doubts and insecurities (or resurrect the old ones rather forcefully).

an example:

today i was turning in a couple job applications to work on campus. one of the questions was my relation to the seminary, to which i replied, 'student'. however, at both places, the people taking the application looked at it and said, "so your husband is a student?" no. i am. i am the one studying here. surprisingly, these incidences did not bring up insecurities about being single, but rather those about being able to do ministry, and the type of ministry i want to do.

another example:

making friends. loads of insecurities assault you when you're new somewhere and trying to make friends and build relationships.

but when i look at who i am and my passions, where i've been and the journey God has taken me on, it is hard not to see a lot of it leading up to this point.

it's hard not to see God directing certain events and lessons to get me where i am now.

it's hard not to see it all adding up to something that God has been planning for me and my meager life since i was born.

and so, when i feel that all this is surreal, completely unbelievable, i must admit that it isn't really.

and it makes me think of these verses:

proverbs 16:9 the mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

proverbs 19:21 many plans are in a man's heart, but the counsel of the Lord will stand.

jeremiah 1:5 before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you...

jeremiah 29:11 for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord...

growing up, i had a plan. my life is nothing like i imagined it ever being.

and praise God for that, that He knew what plans He had. that He has directed my steps even when i had no stinking idea it was happening.

praise God that He loves me and knows me enough to give me what i truly need in my soul, not simply what i desire in a moment's whim.

oh, praise God.

love

2011-06-27T21:24:00.002-04:00

i haven't written in awhile. i started a post about how this year has been so full of the unexpected, so full of the spectrum of life, ebbing and flowing from joy to sadness, from fear to peace, and back again. the post was complete with pictures of the happenings of 2011 so far...which has by far been, and will continue to be, a year full of changes i never expected (but have mostly welcomed, nonetheless).

i never finished it.

it's still sitting in draft mode.

instead, i want to write about the many thoughts i'm processing. i am, however, finding it more difficult to express them than i originally considered.

so i guess i'll go with one.

about a week ago i started listening to the series andy stanley did at northpoint earlier this year for singles called the new rules for love, sex, and dating (and, by the way, kudos to him for preaching an entire 4 week series focused solely on the single and dating people, rather than a series on marriage and devoting one week to singles....). i'd heard from a lot of people that it was really great, and i like andy stanley, so i figured i'd check it out. i listened to the first two, but haven't listened to the rest. and he did do a good job (so far, at least...there are a couple things i'm waiting him out on).

the first message addressed the "right person myth," where he talked about how so many singles don't really do anything (character-wise, not in getting out there and meeting people wise) to prepare for marriage other than assuming that when they meet the right person, everything will be a-ok. which, i'll admit, there are times when i do believe there is a right person for you. to sum up a longer message, andy went on to talk about how singles shouldn't just be waiting for the right person, but they should focus on becoming the right person. he used 1 cor 13 (the "love" passage) to show what people should be focused on becoming, the character qualities one should possess in becoming the right person. his question was, "are you the person you are looking for is looking for?"

this is not something i haven't heard before. in fact, i've heard it a lot, from a lot of different people. i think it is good advice.

but while i was listening to andy talk that day, it hit me a little differently than it has ever really hit me before. those character qualities from 1 corinthians embody love: patience, kindness, not envying or boasting, not being proud or self-seeking, honoring others, not being easily angered and keeping no record of wrongs, rejoicing in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, persevering, and never failing.

all kinds of love. not just love in marriage.

should we not seek to be this kind of love to everyone we know? whether we're married or single or whatever? i know (i trust, anyway) that andy stanley didn't mean that only single people who are desiring to get married should start becoming this kind of love. but my thoughts as he was talking went towards, shouldn't we all do that?

if i'm already married and listening to his message? if i think God has called me to singleness? if i'm divorced or widowed and don't want to get married again? if i'm single and don't want to get married? if i'm single and do want to get married?

i don't know the future. so i can't predict whether i'll be married or not, despite my desires or feelings on the subject. i don't know what God has planned.

i think that's the major way i took this message: we should all seek to embody love as it is described in the Bible no matter where we are in life or what we think our future holds. we should all strive to be patient, kind, not envying, boasting, proud or self-seeking, slow to anger and forgiving, rejoicing in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, persevering, and never failing. this is what our lives should look like. Jesus says is john 13:35, "by this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." i don't think He meant regular old love like we think of love -- i think He meant this kind of love. this is the kind of love Jesus Himself displayed, the kind of love that drew people to Him. the kind of love that changes the world.

after thinking about it some more and writing this, i began thinking about who we are as believers. aren't we called the bride of Christ? if i'm Christ's bride, and He is coming for me eventually, shouldn't i be seeking to live as He has called me to live? i don't mean that legalistically in anyway whatsoever, but if i am a believer, then i am His bride, as well as His follower, His disciple. in that way, i should be seeking to become the love the Bible talks about, to show the world who Christ is and how much He loves them.

and then, when i look at what the Bible says love is, i see how far i am from being that kind of love. oh, how often i'm impatient, rude, jealous, proud, angry, seeking my best interests, unwilling to forgive or trust, and giving up so easily. how often i display something totally other than what Christ was for the world. i remember how much i sin, how much i mess up.

but then i remember, or God reminds me in some way, that He is love. and He loved me, and He has taken those sins away. once and for all. even though i'm going to keep messing up because i'm human, He keeps forgiving me. He keeps loving me. He is always love.

and i am beyond grateful that Jesus is Who He is, that He loves me more than I deserve or could ever imagine.

amazing grace, that calls me to love.

really?

2011-05-25T23:08:00.000-04:00

i just had the inexplicable desire for christmas.

and i love summer and fall...there's no way i want to skip over them!

hmmm......

miscellaneousness

2011-05-16T15:21:00.001-04:00

i discovered a couple weeks ago that i'm a rockstar at meeting the page length requirement for papers.....unless the paper has to be about me. all semester long, i've written book reports and lesson plans and research papers and so on. every single one of them was way beyond the required length. some to the point of spending hours just cutting stuff out while still making the paper sound good. this past thursday i had a paper due -- a personal evaluation of my field experience this semester. it only had to be 3-4 pages long. going into it, i thought it would be a breeze....tha'ts nothing. y'all. it took me forever to write those three pages. i didn't think i would ever finish, or make it to three pages. but then, i had a final due two days later, and i could not for the life of me keep it to the required page length. one page per answer....i averaged one and a half. goodness. i hope i don't have many of those personal papers to write...they might kill me!

i'm contemplating doing away with my facebook. i'm not sure b/c it is such a great way to keep in touch with people who live far away. but i guess if i really want to keep up with them, i can call them, right? we'll see....

i love reading books and hearing God speak to you through them.

i'm so grateful that the semester is over. and that the school year is almost over. and that God provided a way for me to go on two vacations!

i think we all move way too fast sometimes. i wish everyone -- and everything -- would just slow down. relax. watch the sunset. smell the flowers. bask in the sun. spend time with friends -- unhurried, enjoyable time. love each other. read. enjoy the little things. stop moving so fast. i know people say they can't help it and they have to move fast to get things done, but it's just not true. slowing down is not going to kill you....in fact, you may live longer or be healthier! stop trying to be so stinking efficient and quick all the time and just enjoy life.

teacher appreciation week was last week. our school gave us monogrammed umbrellas in the school colors. that's right. i'm now the owner of a monogrammed umbrella that's the color of mcdonalds. but i also got tulips, brownies and a starbucks card from one of the kids!

becky's married!!

the royal wedding

2011-05-03T20:14:00.000-04:00

now that i've watched most of the 20 hours or so of the wedding coverage i taped, i felt the need to do a little (maybe?) blog post about it :)

first of all, the watching the crowds was fun....they were so excited! it made me wish i could have been there to feel the electricity and experience the atmosphere in person. people from all over the world coming together to celebrate love, a new beginning, restoring that which was lost. a true community feeling took over on friday. it wasn't just a wedding, but a time to come together as a people. we were part of something. something that wasn't terrible or heartbreaking, but wonderful and joyful.

i loved the anticipation surrounding catherine's dress. what will it look like? modern? traditional? who will design it? finally seeing the dress did not disappoint. she looked stunning. the dress was simple and elegant, and both traditional and modern. not over the top, but definitely a dress for a princess. in fact, nothing was over the top. her tiara was gorgeous, perfectly complimenting her dress and hair and veil (and it was given to her by the queen because she obviously didn't have one....which is traditional apparently, and she gets to keep it from what i heard).

the wedding was absolutely fantastic! i just loved it. definitely swoon-worthy. the abbey was beautiful, especially with the trees they brought in for decoration and the background of the altar was breathtaking. i also loved that even though there were 1900 people there, they did their best to make it intimate, with only their friends and family at the very inside part where the altar is.

i loved when catherine was walking down the aisle (a 4 minute walk!) and prince william would not turn around to see her, although his brother did. but when catherine finally reached the altar, william turned to her and said "you look beautiful" with a smile (and i heard the lip readers said he also said fabulous). it was just precious. they were so in love.

after the wedding, when they walked out of the church as a newly married couple and stood on the red carpet before getting into the carriage, all i could think of was "its just like cinderella!" (even though i hated the cinderella story as a kid...was more of a sleeping beauty/ beauty and the beast girl myself). but they did look like cinderella and her prince.

they were so cute riding in the carriage, waving to everyone and being just married. and then, the balcony scene. when they walked out onto the balcony and to say hello and take part in the traditional kiss (twice!), it was just great. then they rode away in the balloon-decorated aston martin with a license plate that said "just wed", just like a normal (other than the aston martin) couple might have. and check out the cake!

the whole thing -- the crowds, the cars, the carriages, the dress, the balcony, the abbey -- was such a fairy tale. it was so romantic and sweet.

other things:

1. seeing everyone in their wedding outfits, complete with hats, made me wish that people in america wore hats more often. i had a strong desire to wear hats. sadly, we don't do that here in the states, and i don't look particularly good in them anyway.

2. prince andrew's daughters were unfortunate in their choice of hat, but really? i think he kind of lessened their chances for sucess when he named them beatrice and eugenie.

3. i have to admit that i teared up during the wedding. yep. really.

4. who would have thought that the message given by the archbishop during the royal wedding would be inspirational? i love the quote he began with: be who god meant you to be and you will set the world on fire (st. catherine of siena). and then he also said: spiritual life grows as love finds its center beyond ourselves. amazing. hearing him talk and say these things, being impacted myself by his statements and watching everyone's reactions, made me wonder what all the people there really thought as he was speaking. did they agree? did they believe?

5. i love that the newly married royals are going to live in the middle of nowhere wales while william finishes his work on the search and rescue team....no servants, not a lot of royal stuff, not a lot of paparazzi, not a huge house....just living as a normal, newly wed couple.

5. i just love weddings. really. just love them :)

pictures taken from: orlando sentinel or people mag (they have a million galleries!)

when i'm 30

2011-04-28T18:11:00.001-04:00

we're doing an autobiography project in class. one of the pieces of the project is where the kids talk about their future goals: will they go to college? where? if not, why? what do you want to do? why? etc.
they also have to write about their life when they are 30. what will they be doing? will they be married and have kids? what will their job be?

they were writing them today, and i thoroughly enjoyed reading them, so i thought i would share some of the things they wrote or said.

"i want to be a lawyer. because i like being all up in everyone's business all the time. and i want to be on tv. the show will be called 'judge bs'." (said by a girl whose initials are l. b-s.)

"i'm going to be a pro soccer player. but when i'm 30 i'm going to work at McDonald's because my soccer career will be over."

kid: what do you go to college for if you want to work at ruby tuesday?
me: well, what do you want to do at ruby tuesday?
kid: be a waitress.
me: why do you want to be a waitress at ruby tuesday?
kid: i like their ham.
(from the kid who also wants to be a dental hygienist at 30)

me: so when you're older, am i going to see you play in the world cup?
kid: i don't know. you might be dead.

"i want to be a professional dancer and go to julie arts."
(meaning, of course, juliard...)

"do you have to go to college to be a pro-fisherman?"

the girl who wants to be a waitress at ruby tuesday then decided to be a manager, and the pro soccer player decided that when his soccer career was over and he's done working at mcdonalds, he's going to work for the ruby tuesday manager (i think he has a little crush...).
our professional dancer decided that at 30, she'll be a vet and she'll eat at ruby tuesday to see our waitress-turned-manager.

another girl decided to be a doctor who delivers babies, and she wants to have a tv show about delivering babies when she's 30. we also have a pro football player whose back-up is being a doctor who delivers babies, and who will be a guest star on the tv show (and according to the creator of the show, he will be great).

there are bound to be more fun things that come out of the kids as we finish this part of the project this week. these are just the ones i remember from today. it was great to see their dreams and see them so excited about their futures (even though turning 30, as they told us, is forever away for them). i truly hope they accomplish all their dreams and do amazing things, but they are so funny when they are talking about it right now :)

video and a quote

2011-04-12T19:21:00.001-04:00

videi watched this video this afternoon, and it was so wonderful, i wanted to share! this is also the first time i've figured out how to include a video in a post, so i hope it works :)

made me teary :)

and here's a quote i read the other day. it's from a sermon given by george w. truett in 1920:

God does not raise up a nation to go strutting selfishly, forgetful of the high interests of humanity. national selfishness leads to destruction as truly as does individual selfishness. nations can no more live to themselves than can individuals. humanity is bound up together in the big bundle of life. the world is now one big neighborhood. there are no longer any hermit nations. national isolation is no longer possible in the earth. the markets of the world instantly register every commercial change. an earthquake in asia is at once registered in washington city. the people on one side of the world may not dare be indifferent to the people on the other side. every man of us is called to be a world citizen, and to think and act in world terms. the nation that insists upon asking that old murderous question of cain, "am i my brother's keeper?" the question of the profiteer and the question of the slacker, is a nation marked for decay and doom and death. the parable of the good samaritan is heaven's law for nations as well as for individuals. some things are worth dying for, and if they are worth dying for they are worth living for.

challenging words, my friends.

to do lists

2011-04-02T23:08:00.004-04:00

update: all that's left of this to-do list is taking test #2 and correcting the research paper!

as a lover of to-do lists, i thought i might make one for the next two weeks.

take internet class test 1 -- done!!
write a lesson plan -- done!!
write a paper about said lesson plan -- done!!
write a research paper -- done!!
turn research paper in to an analyzing website -- done!!
correct said paper, then turn in to professor
read about 200 pages for internet class -- done!!
take internet class test 2
do laundry -- done (thanks to my mom, who took all the laundry in the house to the laundromat when the dryer broke)!!
finish cleaning -- done!!
pack -- done!!
travel to new orleans and back -- done!!
other things i can't remember b/c i don't know where my calendar is at the moment...
not. go. crazy.
remember to smile :)

miscellany

2011-03-31T19:39:00.000-04:00

i want one of these shirts: http://veritascolumbus.com/serve/shehasaname/

writing papers again? not. fun.

great stuff from world vision: http://www.worldvisionacts.org/

i'm ready for spring to come back....it's soo dreary and cold here lately....yuck.

looking for a way to donate to help some people out? http://dosomethingnow.com/

when i was in nashville this weekend, i decided i kind of like nashville. people watching/encountering while walking around the downtown scene late that night was enjoyable. people are interesting.

wicked awesome calendar creator that lets you see the days getting longer: http://www.sunrisesunset.com/custom_srss_calendar.asp

spring break starts tomorrow at 3pm! and i'm sooo ready :)

countdowns!!!!!

2011-03-20T14:57:00.000-04:00

5 days til nashville
10 days (school days, that is) til spring break
17 days til new orleans
7 weeks til classes are over
8 weeks til beck gets married (and my sister turns 25)!!
10 weeks til school lets out for the summer!

fiction frustrations

2011-03-07T17:26:00.002-05:00

to begin with, this post is not about frustration you make up in your head, but frustration about the fictional stories (and the true ones) that we read...

i really love reading historical biblical fiction. redeeming love and a lineage of grace are two of the best books i've ever read. also enjoyable are historical fiction books about believers (see lori wick's tucker mills series as an example).

enter pearl in the sand by tessa afshar, which i found sitting on the coffee table, begging to be read.
it is a retelling of the story of rahab, the lady from jericho who saved the lives of the hebrew spies and then moved into israel after jericho's wall came tumbling down.
oh. my. goodness.
this book is simply wonderful. i read it twice this weekend (which isn't really that unusual since i've been known to watch the same movie back to back in one day). and i'm in the middle of reading it again right now. if you like redeeming love, you will probably like this book too.
the characters come to life on the pages of this book -- their feelings, struggles, joys, and how the events around them happen.
and after i read it twice, i found myself wanting to reread the biblical account of rahab. i went to joshua and read about the spies and the wall. the account ended something like, "rahab and her family live in israel to this day." that's it. nothing more anywhere in joshua. in fact, the only other times we see rahab (that i could find) are when she's mentioned in matthew as salmon's wife in the lineage of Christ and in hebrews when she is praised for her faith.
with nothing else there, i was frustrated! and then i got frustrated with the book i was reading for doing such a great job of bringing this story to life (even if most of it is conjecture).
i wanted to know more of her story -- how she came to have such faith in God while living in jericho, the difficulties she faced assimilating into jewish life, how she came to know salmon, her life as a former prostitute of jericho turned israelite, how her family really reacted to her actions, if she was still alive to know ruth when boaz married her and what she thought of that situation....so many questions about her story were presenting themselves that i found myself talking to God about meeting rahab in heaven and talking to her then!
as frustrated as i was, i know that the parts of the story God wanted us to know are included in Scripture. even with the little amount of her story told, we see a woman who has great faith and courage, a woman who truly understood what it meant to lay down her life and lose everything to follow God. i know that is the important part of her story, because that is what God chose to share with us.
but sometimes....i wish there were more details about these stories. maybe one day :)

reading lots = good quotes

2011-02-26T13:11:00.000-05:00

i love a good quote, y'all.
and in my readings for my classes, i've stumbled across a few that i really like.
so i thought i would share.

my name from the palms of His hands eternity will not erase;
impressed on His heart it remains, in marks of indelible grace.
yes, i to the end shall endure, as sure as the earnest is giv’n;
more happy, but not more secure, the glorified spirits in heav’n.
augustus toplady

because of who man is, he can accept or reject God's invitation of grace; because of who God is, there is a gracious invitation to accept.
robert b. stewart

expect great things from God, attempt great things for God.
william carey

the place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.
frederick buechner

today's thoughts

2011-02-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

are you ever just inexplicably overcome with some emotion -- be it sadness, joy, worry, stress, love, etc? that's happened to me a lot over the last week or so.

on another note, today at school we had a situation with a coupke of kids. kid 1 came to us and said, "my yo-yo is missing out of my desk. it was right there." no worries, we'll look for it, i told him. so while the kids were being taught a lesson, i went looking for it -- and found it in a bookbag. i told the whole class what had happened and that i wanted to guilty party just to give the yo-yo back by the end of recess, without letting them know that i knew who it was. i was hoping the guilty party would come forward. when kid 2 (aka the guilty party) went to get his agenda out of his bag, the yo-yo in question rolled right out of his bag, with kid 1's name written on it and everything. so i ask kid 2, "what just rolled out of your bookbag?" to which he replies, "i don't know. i didn't see it. i was just putting my agenda up." and then we have a conversation where i'm basically asking him where he got the yo-yo and how it got in his bag and he's pretty much denying any possession of the yo-yo ever. eventually, i just tell kid 2 that i'm going to have to think about how to handle the situation.

there are 2 options: kid 2 is completely lying and is completely guilty, or kid 2 is telling the truth and someone else planted the yo-yo in his bookbag. it wouldn't be the first time kid 2 has lied, or stolen something for that matter. and for the life of me, i can't think of a moment during the day when someone could have planted it in his bookbag, because there aren't any times during the day when we aren't all in the room (and there are 3 teachers in the room at all times. those kids aren't getting away with anything). the only time anyone is in the room alone is when kid 2 comes from his morning class, puts his pencil away, and then goes to specials. so, with the evidence i have and no witnesses, it seems fairly obvious what has happened. but when i was talking to kid 2, hearing him tell me he didn't know how it had gotten in his bookbag, i honestly did not know what to do. i wanted him to be telling me the truth. i didn't want to believe that he could have done what he had done.

and it hit me. that's why i'm not always the best at handling these situations. at discipline in the classroom. because i don't want to think these kids are capable of that. i want to see the best in them, so when i have to face the not-so-good that's in them....well, let's just say it doesn't work out so well. even though i know people are capable of doing such horrible things (including myself; we're all quite capable of inflicting pain and doing stupid things), i don't want to believe it. i want to believe that people think more of others. that when they are faced with the choice, they will tell the truth. that they won't steal or cheat or hit. that all of us, when given the opportunity, will do the right thing. will look out for those around us before ourselves. will take into consideration how others are going to feel when we do what we're about to do. this is what i want to believe. the best in people. even though i know that i'm so far from doing this all the time, and that people do terrible things to each other all the time, i don't want it to be true. i'd rather see what's good. so that's what i choose to do. to see the good and have faith in the best that i know is inside each and every one of us.

the difficulty comes when you are forced to acknowledge the opposite. someone hurt you. someone betrayed you. stole from you. lied to you. abused you. selfishly disregarded anything but themselves. took the last chocolate chip cookie when they knew you wanted it :) whatever it may be, sometimes we're forced to face the fact that we don't always embrace the best that is inside of us.

so how do you keep choosing to see the best in everyone despite the fact that bad things have happened? when you have to discipline some kids because they've let the worst overcome the best? when do you draw the line betweem believing the best in someone and realizing that they are just going to keep embracing the bad? how do you reconcile all of this with forgiveness? with loving others the way Christ has called us to love them? and how do you encourage others to see the best in themselves, when the world tells them to believe the worst?

still choosing to see the best.

bored....

2011-01-30T20:35:00.001-05:00

i'm a little bored right now....
so i thought i'd share my thoughts on narnia 3!
if you know me at all, you know that i love narnia. truly. like, wish it were a real place love it. sometimes i think it would be so wonderful to walk with aslan and talk with the animals and be friends with the pevensies and prince caspian. to find a magical land through a wardrobe or a picture frame...for further evidence, see this and this.

i loved the first movie (the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe) -- i thought it was soo well done, and they followed the book really well. prince caspian was not quite as successful....in fact, i was really upset when i saw it (at midnight). i felt they had changed the book and added some stuff that was unnecessary (see those thoughts here). however, the movie grew on me, and i now love it just as much as the first one. so i was quite excited when someone decided to make voyage of the dawn treader after it had been dropped by its studio.
voyage is a wonderful book about a journey. really, it's just a collection of little adventures that happen along the way, on a quest to find the 7 lost lords of narnia. it really is soo good, though.
i kept up with the stuff coming out about the movie, and i knew going into seeing this movie that they had changed A LOT. in caspian, they changed a few little details to make the story work better for the screen. it appeared that they were changing the entire plot of the book for this movie -- including the addition of an evil force trying to take over narnia and needing sacrifices to be appeased. so i had fully prepared myself to not like this movie.
well, today i finally saw it. i knew it was going to be out of theaters soon, so i took myself to the movies to see it. and i wasn't very impressed.
there movie had its moments. a few funny places. eustace killed it -- he really did a great job portraying such a spoiled kid. i loved the interaction between reepicheep and eustace the dragon. i was glad they kept aslan's line at the end where he tells lucy and edmund that they must learn to know him by his name in their world. i thought the way they showed the picture taking them into narnia was creative. and the scenes where lucy wanted to be beautiful like susan were well done. the message throughout the movie was "you are special. you have a purpose." in fact, aslan said to lucy that in wishing to be like susan, she wished herself away and changed the course of the pevensie's lives -- the others never would have known about narnia were it not for her. and reep encouraged dragon eustace by saying he had a purpose as a dragon and that he needed to have courage and go for it.
but goodness gracious. the movie had a very dark feel to it, with the sacrificing of people and an evil mist toying with them all. they changed the whole entire plot. there were no seven swords needed to save narnia. there was no stowaway little girl on the dawn treader. the slave market scene was so much better in the book, with caspian coming in to the rescue as king, not his men in disguise doing it. no one was being sacrificed. eustace was not a dragon for the majority of the story. dark island is not where they met the sea serpent. none of the islands had names before the narnians got to them. the dufflepuds didn't kidnap lucy at night. coriakin didn't show them the danger they were encountering. the movie didn't at all say what happened to caspian and the rest of the narnians after lucy, edmund and eustace went home. and a lot of other little things. on top of all that, you could tell they tried to do it in 3d (i saw it regular) and that it probably failed on that front. the whole thing -- acting, plot, filming, location -- all of it seemed contrived, forced, weak, and certainly not magical.

all that said....if i look at it as just a movie, having nothing at all to do with the book, then it is a little more enjoyable. i probably will buy it when it comes out, to complete the series.
it was entertaining to some degree, but it didn't feel like narnia.

at least, it doesn't yet. there's always the hope that it will grow on me just as caspian did :)

random thoughts

2011-01-28T16:42:00.000-05:00

1. i am soooo over winter. it's like 50 something here today and i'm done. my friend jill said on her blog:
"i don't like winter anymore. i think Baltimore and the two record-breaking snowstorms last year did me in"....and i completely agree. bring on spring. and summer. sun. heat. outside. and soon!!
2. if you are a girl and haven't read beth moore's so long insecurity.....go read it now! changed my life. seriously, it's one of the best books i've read. and that's saying something.
3. i finally went to the eye doctor, and it's amazing what new contacts and glasses that have been adjusted to fit your head can do for you.
4. have you ever felt like there's something inside you that's trying be seen (and that you think maybe should be seen), but you can't figure out what it is or how to uncover it? yeah. frustrating.
5. i've been enjoying small bowls of whip cream with a smidgin of chocolate syrup on top -- almost like ice cream, but not quite as bad for you!
6. on another serious note, i've been struggling lately through accepting your natural talents, knowing what you're good at (and what you're not), letting those talents shine, and being prideful. because we aren't supposed to be prideful, but using what God has given you isn't prideful, as long as the attitude with which it is done is not. it's like God is showing me certain things i'm good at -- talents and abilities or just my natural personality and such -- but i'm hesitating and consistently saying, 'no, i'm not good at that' or downplaying any role i've had....like i'm trying to hide or scared of it (this is my natural inclination -- i've just noticed it getting much stronger lately). trying to find the balance between all these things. suggestions? similar struggles? help? thoughts?
7. i love the show say yes to the dress.
8. i have disliked american idol for much of its lifeitme. i watched it for the first couple of seasons, but then became uncomfortable with how much the show encouraged us to belittle the auditioners. the first several shows were built around this very activity (in fact, all those bad auditions were purposely sent through a few auditions before they got to the judges -- just so they could be filmed singing poorly or being ridiculous). it drove me nuts. mostly i didn't watch it because i felt it made me more critical of others -- and less loving towards them. but my parents watch it so i've watched the first few episodes this year. and can i say that the show has a much more positive tone? i've been really impressed with the new judges -- they're honest, but they haven't been mean this year. it seems that it really is a show about helping someone make their dreams come true, rather than a show about making fun of people.
9. and still along the tv lines, i love the movie romeo and juliet. and the show bones. i'm really hoping for a booth and bones relationship by the end of the season!
10. my family is wonderful. i loved spending so much time with them this week, even if it was under really awful circumstances.

26 things, book reviews

2011-01-15T19:57:00.001-05:00

a lot of my list has to do with reading. i think, in fact, there are 4 (possibly 5, depending how you count #25) that each involve reading upwards of 10 books.
i've decided that in order to keep y'all updated on the progress (if you care), i'm going to tell you a little about the book i've read. i started almost right after i wrote the list...i mean, that's a lot of books to read on top of reading all the ones i want to re-read. so here you go:

the way the crow flies, by ann-marie macdonald

y'all. i've had this book for a few years, i'm sad to say. but its description is very serious. and i have to be in the right kind of mood to read a serious novel. plus, it's super long.
here is the description on the back cover:

"the optimism of the early sixties, infused with the excitement of the space race and the menace of the cold war, is filtered through the rich imagination of high-spirited, eight year old madeleine, who welcomes her family's posting to a quiet air force base near the canadian border. secure in the love of her beautiful mother, she is unaware that her father, jack, is caught up in a web of secrets. when a very local murder intersects with global forces, jack must decide where his loyalties lie, and madeleine will be forced to learn a lesson about the ambiguity of human morality -- one she will only begin to understand when she carries her quest for the truth, and the killer, into adulthood twenty years later."

looking at it now, i can't for the life of me figure out why i thought i would like this book, aside from the fact that it is somewhat of a mystery. plus, it was probably bought at target and i wanted to spend some money.

first of all, this book is very well-written. the author weaves together different parts of the story in such a way that you want to finish reading to find out how they all fit together. and when they do all come together, it is done in a beautiful way. told from the point of view of the little girl, the view of the crows, and other family members, the author keeps the story (for the most part) engaging. there are parts that she tells as one page fairy tales -- bedtime storyish -- that tell history in a way a little girl can understand it. later, as the little girl has grown up, the stories turn into truth, and you see the author's gift.

this book tells a very moving story of family, innocence and childhood -- and the loss of childhood and innocence, of relationships, of actions and consequences, and it has the potential to challenge your definitions of loyalty, honesty, and your sense of justice. the author pulls you into the characters both through the actual story, but also through the way she uses point of view: it is a 3rd person narrative, but often seems as though it is written in first person (there may be a name for this, but i don't know it...and couldn't find it when i looked). this makes the story personal and detached at the same time.

however. i can't wholeheartedly recommend this book to you.

it is a long book. and although it is beautifully written, it's also very wordy in more than one place. the male characters going on and on about war and bombs and secrecy almost everytime they get together -- so much so that i began to skip those parts. also, when the little girl grows up, i skipped over much of her story too -- skimming until i found an important part. it would be easy to feel lost in these places and they have the effect of making the story drag.

but mostly i cannot recomment it because there are some parts in it that are not worth reading, that are mostly of the disturbing nature....and let's just leave it there. in fact, there was a point where i decided that if i came to another part of the story like that, i was not going to finish reading it. and by that point, there weren't any more. i know that some of you may say that that kind of stuff (by this i mean murder, sex, abuse or inappropriate lanuage...i think you could make this argument about a whole lot of things, but that's another discussion for another time...) doesn't affect you, because you've told me as much...and its fine that you think that. but i've come to see that, more often than not, these things do affect us whether we realize it or not.

therefore, i think the bad in this book -- through the specific scenes i'm referring to, some of the overarching themes and the tendency to drag -- more than outweigh the good.

all that said....i'm glad i read it because now it's one less book on my shelf that i have to read!

and ps....everytime i tried to type the word 'story', it came out 'sotry' and i had to retype it...it was quite frustrating!!

it's that time again!

2011-01-09T09:20:00.001-05:00

time to turn another year older!
last year, when turning 25, i made a lot of lists of 25 in celebration. i mean, 25 -- that's a big birthday, right? and plus, i love lists :) the last list was a list of 25 things to do in my 25th year. while not everything got accomplished, it was a good project. it made me think outside the box, outside my comfort zone.
so i've decided to keep it going. some of the things i had on it last year are going to be repeated, because i do want to do them, i just either couldn't or didn't last year.
and here it is:

26 things to do this year

1. read all the books on my shelf i've never read
2. learn to sew -- which should be much easier this year, since i have a sewing machine now...
3. learn spanish (or at least, start to)
4. send more cards to people
5. read through the parts of the Bible i've never really read before
6. cook with 5 spices i've never used before
7. memorize scripture! (starting with psalms)
8. cook at least one meal from each continent
9. try again to learn to crochet
10. learn about growing herbs (and maybe start doing it!)
11. try to get a lot of my student loan paid off
12. go on a trip to somewhere i've never been
13. make homemade applesauce
14. make my 1st year teacher scrapbook
15. make my israel scrapbook
16. do karaoke??
17. go to the ballet
18. watch at least 10 movies i haven't seen off of afi's top 100 movies list
19. read the books on school library journal's top 100 novels for kids
20. learn to make crackers
21. braid my own hair
22. make my own whip cream
23. give myself a real manicure/pedicure
24. give away clothes/things i don't need
25. read at least 12 of the books on modern library/ radcliffe publishing house top 100 lists
26. "to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God"

i will try to be better about posting updates and letting y'all see how things are progressing this year, since i wasn't so great about it last year!

passion

2011-01-04T17:29:00.000-05:00

it's been awhile since i last posted, simply because i really had nothing to say and there wasn't a lot going on. so i just became silent.

we've been on christmas break for the last two weeks (today was the first day back), which was wonderful. it's always nice to have time off, and being on a teacher's schedule is soo good! these last few days of the break, however, i was at passion. i have never been to passion before, and i really wanted to go this year (strangely, i've never really wanted to go before). just in case you're unfamiliar with it, which i doubt for those of you that i know read this blog, passion is a conference for 18-25yr olds, focused around making God known. the key verse they use behind the passion movement is isaiah 26:8: "yes Lord, walking in the way of Your truth we wait eagerly for You, for Your name and renown are the desire of our souls."

from the passion website:

"passion exists to glorify God-uniting students in worship and prayer for spiritual awakening in this generation....seeks to gather college and university students across the nation and around the world to seek the face of God, asking Him to ignite in our souls a passionate pursuit of Jesus Christ and a desire to spread His fame to everyone on earth...we believe God is calling out a generation of college students committed to the glory of His name in all things. God longs to bring awakening to every campus, mobilizing the students of today to finish the task of global evangelization in this generation. God is calling us out for this purpose, in this moment, for His renown."

i had some friends volunteering for passion, also, who said i could stay with them. my original plan was to volunteer with them, but technically i wasn't old enough to (you have to be 26) and i couldn't be there all 4 days. so, even though i was a week away from being too old to attend, i decided to sign up and attend the conference.

and i'm so glad i did. the speakers (louie giglio, beth moore, francis chan, andy stanley, and john piper) were absolutely incredible and the worship was just as wonderful. 22,000 college-age students (and some who are older) simply learning and worshipping God. being challenged, in thinking, worship, matters of justice, and so much more. 4 days (or, for me, 3ish) of concentrated learning and worship and friend-making.

there was so much said and done to process and remember and so on, so i may have more to say later, but here are some of my favorite moments:

*getting to see steph and annie (and meeting annie's friend becky) and having a chance to spend some time with them

*hearing beth moore live and in person. i love listening to her videos, but i've never seen her live. it was wonderful.

*walking around the city again. oh, how i've missed walking everywhere, but i guess God knew that because my community group was a good 3-4 blocks at least from the arena. plus walking up and down lots of stairs, to and from venues to hotels....and now my body is sore because i'm out of the habit :)

*watching the audience at the lecrae concert...lecrae himself was good, but watching the audience was cool.

*finally sponsoring a compassion kid

*hearing a beliver from china pray over everyone in the arena in chinese (having no absolute clue what she was saying) and then hearing a recording artist from brazil sing "God of this city" in portuguese while everyone else was singing it in english. truly, completely amazing.

*walking from the arenas to our community groups in complete silence. all 22,000+ of us.

things i'm fighting at the moment

2010-12-12T19:06:00.000-05:00

1. a cold. or bronchitis. eh, either way i'm sick....
2. wanting to do nothing but lay around and be lazy.
3. fear.
4. the desire to eat a bunch of baked goods simply because it is the holiday season :)
5. wanting to travel.
6. wishing for things i don't have.
7. being cold....ha...who am i kidding? i'm always fighting this :)

you don't speak good....

2010-12-12T18:42:00.000-05:00

so....lately, i've noticed that there are a lot of people who do not use proper grammar. before i go any further, let me say a few things:
1. i do not always know the correct grammar rules. ask my sister. i ask her about things all the time.
2. i understand that no one is perfect.
3. i also understand that sometimes, in certain situations, grammar rules need to be relaxed. maybe to make a point or something (or, for instance, with this blog....i don't use capitals at all and often just put sentences together with some .....).

now, to continue. i've never been one to really notice or complain about this. even if i did notice it, it woudn't necessarily make me cringe or anything....i'd just move on with my day. but goodness gracious. i've seen and heard more mistakes from people who shouldn't be making them over this last month or so. and sadly, most of them have been in a school. by the teachers. although, there was one just today that was definitely cringe-worthy from a non-school related organization.
improper subject-verb agreements.
problems with possession.
combining sentences incorrectly.
pronoun errors.
punctuation difficulties.
and i'll go ahead and add spelling mistakes, even though this is a little different.
and on.
and on.
and on.

my sister has always been a grammar freak. and a grammar lover. in college, she took a grammar course. and she has maintained that there are people in certain career paths who should also take this course.
i now wholeheartedly agree with her.
teachers.
journalists.
motivational speakers.
news people.
politicians.
lawyers.
pastors.
in fact, i now hold the opinion that anyone who is going into a career where they will be speaking, writing, teaching, etc. out among the general public should be required to take this course. or any course in grammar. something. at least so we all know the basics. and some people should be required to know more about grammar than others, based on their career path.

as i said earlier, i understand that sometimes it is ok for grammar rules to be relaxed. like when you are hanging out with your friends. but that is an informal setting. we should be able to change our language and our grammar with our situation. when i'm with my friends, of course i'm going to speak in a way that is different than i would speak when i'm out around people i don't know, or you know...meeting the queen or something. as we learned in our education courses, this is called code-switching. when we match our language (and subsequently, our grammar, to our situation). we have to learn to code-switch.

but mostly, we have to learn the basic rules of grammar. especially teachers. because if we don't know them, how on earth can we expect others to know them when we're supposed to be the ones doing the teaching?

this week

2010-12-04T22:23:00.001-05:00

a few things from this week:

1. hanukkah began on wednesday night. we have a little girl in our class who is jewish and celebrates hanukkah. she knows that i have some knowledge of judaism, and all week long she kept telling me how sad she was for me that i won't be getting any hanukkah presents, despite the fact that i told her my family doesn't celebrate hanukkah. also, while telling our class about hanukkah, i had a strong desire to sing hanukkah songs with the class. it made me miss my kids at the j :)

2. can anyone else not believe that it is december??

3. thursday night, my family went to the aso to see handel's messiah. it was wonderful and fun being with the family. on the way out however, i lost my footing on the stairs because my shoe fell off and i slid down the stairs. it is a wonder i didn't topple completely over, but apparently i slid very gracefully, with my legs tucked under me quite ladylike and all (or so i was told....)!!

4. this week at lunch, i ate with the kids one day and noticed that one of the little girls was praying before she ate her food. it was precious and amazing....and made me remember how often i don't make it a point to thank God for the food He has provided.

5. did anyone else see the campaign some celebrities started to raise money for hiv/aids? the idea was that they would die a digital death (signing off of twitter, fb, etc) until they raised $1 million for the cause. Fans and others who wanted to participate would donate money to "buy back" their digital lives. they've also invited others to join in, "sacrificing" your own personal digital life along with the celebs. it started on december 1 and here's what it says on their website:
"the world's most followed celebrity tweeters are sacrificing their digital lives to help save millions of real lives affected by hiv/aids in africa and india. that means no more twitter or facebook updates from any of them. no more knowing where they are, what they had for dinner, or what interesting things are happening in their lives. from here on out, they're dead. kaput. finished. but they don't have to die in vain. and they don't have to stay dead for long. just watch their last tweet and testaments, and buy their lives back. every single dollar helps keep a child alive fight this terrible disease. and when $1,000,000 is reached, everyone will be back online and tweeting in no time."
however, as of now, fans have only raised around $300,000 (just under, the last time i saw the numbers). it has only been a few days, so that amount in a few days is wonderful. but while i think it admirable that the celebrities are trying to raise money for it and awareness of the hiv/aids crisis, i think it's a little arrogant to say that your twitter updates are so important that people wont be able to live without them so they'll donate money to get you back online. it may not have been their intent, but that's what this campaign says to me. it is an honorable cause, and one to which i think we've not paid enough attention. but i do have some questions and thoughts:
*even though it is only in its beginning stages, i find it amusing that fans have not "bought back" the digital lives of these celebrities. i guess we don't need to know "where they are, what they had for dinner, or what interesting things are going on in their lives" after all. in fact, i think we're probably better off not knowing. maybe it will show us that all this internet communication and constantly knowing what is going on in everyone's lives (or letting others know what's going on in ours) isn't really all that important. maybe it will make us remember that we had lives before all this communication and that without it, our lives will continue to go on (who would've thought!!). maybe we'll rediscover things we did before all the stuff on the internet started taking up all our time.
*are they really going to stay "digitally dead" until they raise that money? what if it goes on for a few weeks? or longer? what if they never raise that money? will they stop the campaign or keep it up? how long will they be sacrificing their digital lives?
*are we really that dependent on the updates of the lives of people we don't know that we would feel desperate enough to spend money to buy them back online? what does this say about us?
*if people are sending in money for this cause, based on this campaign, are they sending the money in because they believe in the purpose of the campaign or simply because they want to be able to keep tabs on their favorite celebrities? and does it really matter if the money is going to a good cause?
i guess regardless of any of this, keep a child alive is a good thing, and at least more people will have heard about it....thoughts?

6. i bought a christmas travel mug today for really cheap!

i guess that's all....
have a wonderful day!

aww...

2010-11-28T20:00:00.000-05:00

postsecret is a favorite blog of mine.
i read it every sunday.
but lately, there haven't been a lot of secrets that i really loved.
until today.

isn't this just so sweet???

ah, the holiday season

2010-11-27T14:10:00.000-05:00

now that thanksgiving is over, it's official that it's christmas!
this means:

decorating
christmas movies and music
holiday drinks and food and such
gift giving
colder weather

which should all make me say yay!!!!

but right now, i'm simply not feeling it.
i'm not sure why.
i just am not in a christmas-y mood.
i decorated a little bit yesterday, but today?
the christmas spirit is not in me.

sad. :(

thankful for....

2010-11-19T17:06:00.000-05:00

thanksgiving break!!!

i plan to....
go through some of my stuff that's still in piles in the garage
make applesauce....yep. from scratch. homemade.
see friends who are in town
eat lots of yummy food
sleep late
hang out with the family
read books

what are you doing???

a life update

2010-11-08T20:46:00.000-05:00

i had a friend email me to tell me she saw something about me having a job through the comments here on the little blog and had no idea what i was doing.
and then i realized that it's been a long time since i simply updated y'all on life.
so here goes.

the last time i updated at all about this, i was still unemployed from the move back to the atl from good old bmore.
sometime towards the end of september, i went to charleston to see some friends, go to the beach, and look for a job or something (i was pretty convinced that was where i was headed). the trip, however, confirmed for me that charleston, however lovely and wonderful and fun, was not where i was going. but while i was there, i was given the number of a guy to call who was looking for a director for an after-school program/apartment ministry here in the suburbs of atl. i called him and got an interview.
after about a month of interviews and observations and tests, i wasn't offered the position. i was however, offered a part-time job with them as a facilitator (essentially, a group leader). i decided to take it because something is better than nothing, right? even if it's not ideal.
at the same time, i started doing temp work at the school board with filing and such.
this. was. frustrating.
i found myself still working all day long, leaving one job and going to another and then not getting home til later. i really couldn't believe it. this was why i left, God? really??
a few weeks later, i was in a meeting with my old principal about something completely non-job related and was offered a position as a para-pro.
so here i am.
working as a para (which, to those who are non-education related, is basically an assistant) in the same school i taught in before i moved to bmore. while i still don't believe this to be my ideal situation, dream job, or permanent place, it is an answer to prayer.
yet another way that God has provided for me.

and there you have it.
a (semi) short update on the job situation.

picture time!

2010-11-05T10:07:00.001-04:00

thank goodness it's friday!
and i haven't done a friday favorites post in a long time, so before i get to the pictures, here's my friday favorites for the last several weeks:
*having beauty and the beast on dvd!
*it's cold outside :)
*the holiday season is upon us
*being provided with a job...or two or three
*living near enough to family that when something awesome happens, i can join the celebration
*free work done when the car freaks out

and now...halloween goodness!

the pumpkin i carved....isn't he friendly looking??

and here he is all lit up!

after we carved the pumpkin, i was going to roast the seeds and make the pumpkin into muffins. sadly, my brain wasn't working really well, so the seeds caramelized and hardened to the pan. the pan met its death that day.

halloween decor!

isn't this towel so cute??

and lastly, my halloween hot chocolate!

don't you love how the little ghost-mallow is kind of waving to you from on top of the whipped cream?

and before i go today, for the few of you who read this...check out my friend gini's blog. every friday, she has something for sale that she makes (and trust me...it's good stuff!) and the money is donated to a new ministry each month. it's a great way to help ministries and do some shopping!

a few random tidbits....

2010-11-02T21:07:00.000-04:00

1. it is finally chilly enough here to be fall!

2. i'm glad election season is over. really tired of listening to all those blasted political ads.

3. while sitting in meetings today, i looked at my hands to discover they were blue. assuming it was transfer of dye from my jeans, i didn't really think a lot about it. until i got halfway home and saw that they were no longer blue, but normal colored. my hands were blue because i was so cold!!! i don't think that has ever happened before, and that's really saying something.

4. i miss my kids from the j.

holiday season is here!

2010-10-28T15:49:00.000-04:00

i love holidays.
almost all of them.

dressing up for them.
decorating for them.
movies.
baking.
gift-giving.
traditions.

mmmmmm....

one thing i love is seeing the holiday decor up in all the stores. most stores become like a little slice of heaven during the holidays for me. i'm like a kid in a candy shop.

case in point? today, i went to walmart to buy boo-mallows (yep. marshmallows shaped like ghosts and bats) for my hot choolate i'll be drinking while watching the great pumpkin tonight, and they had already started putting put the christmas candy! now, while i think it's far too early for christmas, i squealed a little inside and walked down the aisle just to be surrounded by the green, the red, and the christmas themed hersheys. and then, i turned around...and there were fall themed reeses!! (don't worry....as much as i love all of this, i try to limit my intake of the sugar).

this is the BEST time of year.

things i'm missing.

2010-10-17T21:50:00.000-04:00

cool weather. yeah, fall. that little cool blast you gave us here in ga just wasn't quite enough.
walking. anywhere.
my kids.
strangely, the j.
rain.
festivals.
a church.
not being busy.
dresses.
reading aloud.
water.
travel.
having a place to put everything.
knowing my purpose (or, at least thinking i did).
my friends. who all live too far away in other states, cities, and countries.

movies

2010-09-30T14:14:00.000-04:00

i love movies.
could watch them all the time.
as i've had some more time on my hands lately, i've seen a lot of movies on random channels that have made me say, "i love this movie! why don't i own it??"
so here's a list of movies i feel like i should own, or want to own when they come out.

*the man in the iron mask
*10 things i hate about you
*penelope
*catch me if you can
*sweet home alabama
*phantom of the opera
*the count of monte cristo
*despicable me
*how to train your dragon
*streetcar named desire
*gone with the wind
*pride and prejudice (the really long, bbc one -- not the kiera knightley one)
*the pirates movies
*the bourne movies
*grease

just to name a few :)

25 things, update #3

2010-09-29T10:00:00.001-04:00

one of the things on my list of 25 was to become less dependent on makeup (#13). another was to become more comfortable with who i am (#17).

in order to accomplish these two goals (or begin to accomplish them, anyway), i decided to give up makeup for lent. there were a few reasons i chose this specific thing to give up.

here are the reasons i wrote back during lent this year:
1. i'm not completely sure how i feel about telling young girls they are beautiful just the way they are, exactly the way God made them, when i walk around wearing make-up and not being exactly the way God made me.
2. i know that i don't completely believe that myself. i don't like the way i look without make-up on. the natural look isn't for me.
3. culturally and socially, wearing makeup is important. it seems to define us. so many of us wear it all the time that we often aren't comfortable without it - just being ourselves. and so, in some ways, makeup becomes a mask we wear. we hide ourselves behind it, using it to project a certain image to the world. one that may or may not be who we really are. wearing makeup, then, in some ways can enable us to be less than authentic with each other. i know that it has a hold on me and that it impacts the way i feel about myself. i wanted to break its hold and remove the mask.

and here's what happened:
when i first started not wearing makeup, it wasn't a whole lot of fun. because, as i said, i don't like the way i look without it. i'm completely self-conscious. i didn't really want to go out looking the way that i did. i felt very out of it -- like something was off.
as time went on, however, i noticed it less and less. and noticed that no one else ever said anything either. they either didn't notice, or simply didn't say anything.
it just wasn't important anymore. i wasn't focused on what i looked like. every now and then, when i'd see myself in a mirror, i'd think about it, but it wasn't like i thought it was.
i got used to the way i looked without makeup on....and then (and i don't want this to come out the wrong way), but i actually started to like the no makeup look.
it was like i was seeing myself. without the mask. without what i believed society wanted me to be.
and i liked it.

but towards the end of lent, i started wanting to wear makeup again. especially when it got warmer outside, because i'd put on a dress or something and feel like my face didn't match my clothes. i was looking forward to it, but i was apprehensive about wearing makeup again. would i think i looked weird? would i remember how to do it so i didn't look like a clown? would my face flip out on me for covering it up again? and so on...

on easter, i found that i did, in fact, remember how to put it on (just like riding a bike?). however, it took me a few minutes to get used to the way i looked with it on. i just didn't look right at first. i thought about just washing it off and going natural again, but decided against it.
i was not expecting that.
nor was i expecting to be itching to take it off at the end of the day. all day long, i felt it on my face. it felt heavy and oily and disgusting all day long. i couldn't wait to be able to wash it all off. and when i finally was able to take it all off, it was like my skin sighed in relief. but it wasn't only my skin that sighed in relief. it was me. i actually smiled at myself when i took it all off. like i was back. the mask was gone, and just me was there again.

through this experiment, i discovered that i actually like the way i look without make-up on (and, shocker, actually feel "pretty"). i felt like i could be myself because i wasn't as worried about the way i looked. in some ways, i felt more confident (and man, getting ready has never been faster!).
but what i really discovered?
that despite everything -- all the make-up and masks we wear around each other, even around those who are closest to us -- i feel beautiful. because God thinks i'm beautiful. and i am. because He made me that way. it doesn't matter if my face is perfect or i'm shaped a certain way or my clothes are right or what anyone else says about me or what mistakes i've made or what i do right. i am beautiful because i am a creation of the Creator. because i'm a daughter of the King.
nothing -- and no one -- else needs to define me.

in saying this, there are days when i just don't feel this way at all. there are still days where i feel like i have to measure up to the world, look and act a certain way, when i feel my mistakes and my imperfections and what others say define me.
but i know that feelings are not always correct, because the heart is deceptive.
what i know is truth and what i feel is truth are different. often, they are extremely different.
this is the truth i know.

i am imperfect (romans 3:23).
loved (jeremiah 31:3, romans 5:8).
rescued, saved, redeemed (colossians 1:13, isaiah 43:1).
called and chosen (isaiah 43:10, deuteronomy 7:6).
rejoiced over (zephaniah 3:17).
beautiful (song of solomon 4:7, psalm 139:14).

because He says so.

thankful tuesday

2010-09-28T11:18:00.000-04:00

*visits from out of town friends
*cooler weather
*that the internet works again

25 things update #2

2010-09-23T11:32:00.000-04:00

today i'm going to update on #3: go to a movie by myself.

i've always felt weird about doing things by myself. and for some reason, going to the movies by myself was one of those things that i just couldn't bring myself to do. it seemed like the perfect way to turn something that is supposed to be fun into something that definitely isn't. seeing everyone else there with friends and families, enjoying movies together, while you are alone just invites the "why am i alone? where are my friends?" mood-killing attitude that would hinder your enjoyment of a movie. then, there's also the fact that you feel like you stand out and everyone is watching you to see why on earth you came to the movies by yourself. that's not fun.
however, while all of these thoughts are floating around in my head, i also see going to the movies by yourself as a way to enjoy your own company and a way to see a movie that maybe none of your friends want to see in the theater or have time to see. or, if you live somewhere new and don't really have any friends to go with just yet. going to the movies by yourself can be a treat then, because you're getting out and doing things.

now i have a confession to make: i didn't actually do this. but in march, i did something that i feel more than qualifies.
i went here:

and saw this:

for those of you who don't know, that is the hippodrome. baltimore's equivalent of the fox theater. where they show broadway plays. yeah. where you have to get dressed up and everything. the second picture is the picture for in the heights. just after i saw it i blogged a few sentences about it here.

in case you don't read the other post, i have wanted to see this musical forever. i love musicals (most of them anyway). i love going to the theater and seeing plays. getting dressed up, eating out, having fun. with friends. i saw one of the numbers for in the heights during the tony's or the macy's parade or something and heard nothing but rave reviews about it since then.

it's a play about the neighborhood of washington heights in ny and the people who live there. what it means to be family. to be friends. to be a community. it's a play about life. about love. about home. the music is like no other show i've seen -- it's a mix of just about every genre you could think of. traditional musical style stuff with a lot of other stuff thrown in (think rap and hip-hop).
when i saw the billboard advertising its run in bmore, i wanted to go. i talked to a friend about it (one of the only friends i thought would actually go with me) and she was up for it. because at the time, there was no way i was going to this show alone. as the time got closer, it wasn't going to work out for my friend to go. i did not want to miss it and knew that if i didn't go (even though it cost a lot of money that i didn't really have), i would regret it. i bought the ticket.
when saturday came around, i was actually excited about going, and going alone. i didn't know where to park or how to get in the theater or where anything was, but i wanted it. i enjoyed getting ready and leaving and knowing that i was doing something i wanted to do. i found everything and was fine. during intermission, i bought the soundtrack and even moved to another seat because no one was there.

honestly? it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it would be. no one said anything to me or even really looked at me strangely. i learned that i can enjoy my own company. that i can figure things like parking out without getting lost (although, it did help that the garage was right across the street). that i can't let not having someone to do something with (be it friend, family, or otherwise) keep me from doing it. or let the fear of what could happen keep me from doing it. was it possible that someone could have made a comment to me? sure. but that wouldn't have kept me from enjoying the show.
the worst part of it? walking from the parking garage to the theater, feeling self-conscious. and then sitting behind someone really tall for the first act.
and it turned out to be a good thing i went by myself because i spent the entire second act in tears. literally. not loudly, of course, but definitely in tears. would i have enjoyed having someone to talk about it with and share the experience with? yes. but it was wonderful either way.

looking back on it, i was nervous. and there were moments i was self-conscious about being there alone, even though i was excited about it. but i know that i would be regretting it now if i didn't scrounge up the courage -- and the money -- to go see it.

favorite things friday

2010-09-17T18:00:00.001-04:00

so, i just looked at my blog and realized it has been about a month since i last posted my friday favorites list and i couldn't believe it!
however, that is because i was in nashville, then in charleston, or driving, and the other times i simply forgot.
sorry.

anyway, here's my favorite things friday...

*traveling
*seeing friends i don't always get to see while i'm doing said traveling
*football-shaped oreos (yep. that's right. they're awesome)
*finding new books i like
*watching movies like the princess bride or gone with the wind after a long time
*peanut butter
*fall-ish weather
*new seasons of my shows starting (parenthood last week, glee this week!)
*getting text messages from cool kids who live in baltimore, then the following phone conversations with them
*college football
*holiday-themed stuff in the stores
*desserts!
*hearing how my friends in places far away are doing

thankful tuesday

2010-09-14T09:36:00.000-04:00

ugh...yesterday i certainly was having a "poor me, i'm so frustrated" kind of day.
so this thankful reminder list is definitely in order.

i'm thankful for...
1) good books
2) the beach
3) the beautiful weather we've had lately
4) friends and family

25 things.....update #1?

2010-09-12T20:07:00.003-04:00

so, we're way more than 1/2 way into my 25th year.
at the beginning of the year, i had a list of things i wanted to accomplish this year.
and i wanted to keep updating as to the progress of said list.
i haven't.

so here's the list again:
1. re-learn to play the piano
2. read all the books on my shelf i've never read
3. go to a movie by myself
4. visit the museums in this city
5. learn to sew and knit or crochet
6. re-learn my spanish (or at least, start to)
7. cook something i've never cooked before at least 2x a month
8. start saving money
9. try to visit my friends who live in other places
10. send more cards to people
11. read one classic novel a month
12. take more pictures
13. become less dependent on makeup
14. make a meal plan every week
15. become less emotionally-driven
16. open up to those i love more
17. become comfortable with who i am (any suggestions on how to do this?)
18. read through the parts of the Bible i've never really read before
19. love others well
20. purge my closets and apt of the things i really don't need
21. invest in those around me more
22. continue learning to follow God in every situation
23. enjoy the simple things of life
24. eat at least one new food i've never eaten a month
25. live simply and quietly

and here's a short update, to be followed by some more in depth ones...
6. re-learn my spanish (or at least, start to). well, i've done a few things online. and i recently purchased some spark notes flashcards that will help me at least remember my spanish vocabulary.
7. cook something i've never cooked at least 2x a month. ha. i'm pretty sure i have not done this. however, shortly after this list was written, i began packing up, looking for a new place to live, moving out, and then became a nomad. i have, though, participated in the cooking of an ice cream cake, amish friendship bread, assorted baked goods, and miscellaneous meals. but i haven't actually done this yet on my own. so, i guess it's something i can start doing now?
8. start saving money. this one took awhile, what with making nothing to begin with, then trying to move, then moving, then completely moving, but i am happy to say that i've started saving some money. and will continue.
14. make a meal plan every week. i tried. really i did. but when you're only cooking for you, it's a lot easier to see what's in the fridge/ pantry and emerge with cereal or popcorn for dinner than it is to actually cook for yourself. plus, when you cook one meal (at least, the way i do it) it will give you leftovers for two or three more days. so, this one is a dud. it is something i will try to do in the future, when i'm more organized or something.
24. eat at least one new food a month. i haven't accomplished this either, at least not at this rate. however, i have been a smidge more adventurous in my eating habits and one of the things i wanted to include in this was apples. it's not really a new food, but i won't eat them raw. and i didn't want to start eating them in the off-season. i'm calling this one in progress, because i've been a lot more willing to try things this year, and the year isn't over.

ok, there's your mini-update and there's more to come!
next up, #3--go to a movie by myself.

september

2010-09-02T11:14:00.000-04:00

how did we get to september already?
now that it is september, that means that there are a few things to start looking forward to!

certain days:
*the first uga game...3days!
*the first day of fall....20days!
*halloween...8weeks!
*thanksgiving...12weeks!
*dawn treader release...14weeks!
*christmas...16weeks!

certain smells, sights, and sounds:
*the way the sunlight shines
*lots of fall festivals and carnivals
*delicious foods
*layers of clothes
*smells of cider, pies, cinnamon, etc...
*decorations
*changing leaves
*holidays

and so much more...
i love fall!

thankful tuesday

2010-08-31T14:40:00.000-04:00

as an exercise in being grateful, i'm going to start listing a couple of things i'm thankful for at the moment every tuesday, so i present to you...

thankful tuesday!

this week, i'm thankful for...
1) spending the weekend with one of my closest friends
2) that my grandma's surgery went pretty well
3) a smidge cooler weather, because it means that fall is on its way

what are you thankful for?

a lesson in gratitude

2010-08-25T23:08:00.000-04:00

if you read this or know me, you know that at the moment, i'm currently living with my parents, looking for a job, trying to figure out what it is that God has next for me (or where, how, etc). now, i've only been here a little while (like, barely even 3 weeks). i spent my summer agonizing over whether i was making the right decision, whether i was following God's leading or my own heart. in the end, i truly feel that i've followed God's leading out of baltimore to....nothing.
there's nothing in front of me right now. nothing except searching for jobs that don't thrill me in places that make me sigh with resignation and sifting through a bunch of opportunities that, while amazing, just don't seem quite right. in saying this i know that while it appears to me that there is nothing in front of me, God has better vision than i do and He can see what is in front of me, even if it's a long way off. but that's not what i've been feeling and thinking these last few days.
what i've seen and thought and felt has been distressing, worrisome and heartbreaking. it's ranged from, "how did i ever get here?" to "maybe i'm about to be diagnosed with some life-ending disease, so there's no point in anything being in front of me" and everything in between (yeah....i tend to borrow a lot of troubles).

and then yesterday, i was at barnes and noble, feeling rather sorry for myself, doing my study time, when i kept getting the feeling that i simply needed to be thankful and to find the good in what God has given me today:
deuteronomy 12:7 "rejoice in all your undertakings in which the Lord your God has blessed you."
1 thessalonians 5:18 "in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
and through the book i'm reading (ruthless trust, brennan manning), in which the title of the chapter i was reading through yesterday was, "the way of gratefulness."
here are some of the things mr. manning says (or quotes):
"the person with an abiding spirit of gratitude in the one who trusts God."
"underlying every cry of the grateful sinner is an unshaken trust in the person and promise of Jesus."
"uncontaminated trust in the revelation of Jesus allows us to breathe more freely, to dance more joyfully, and to sing more gratefully about the gift of salvation."
and my 2 favorite:
"to be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives -- the good as well as the bad...that requires hard spiritual work...let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God." (quoting henri nouwen)
"to be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness."

and so, here is my doxology in darkness...the things i'm grateful for despite everything else...
*living near my family again
*having the freedom to travel and meet with friends in the area without time/work constraints
*having a place to live...for free
*having food, clothes, transportation, and other basics...more than i could ever need
*living in a house with a dog (and no mice who leave evidences of themselves all over the kitchen)
*technology to be able to keep up with the people i love in all parts of the country (and world)
*the end of summer sounds, weather, and sunsets
*i can volunteer (when i find places to do that)
*the fact that fall is simply right around the corner
*the time i have to revisit experiences from my past
*time to process, think, and let God make me whole again...unlimited time, at the moment...
*time to read
*friends and family

there are a lot of things i could dwell on in my life that are, shall we say, less than desirable, there is a lot of good in my life as well. presently. formerly. and in the future.
i am choosing the way of gratefulness. choosing to write a doxology in darkness.
and i do believe that it will be a daily (hourly?) decision to make, but if i'm really going to trust God, to really trust Him, then i also need to be grateful to Him for everything in my life...good, bad, and otherwise.

just a few things i miss about baltimore

2010-08-22T21:54:00.000-04:00

in no particular order....

the fountain i used to see walking up lombard to my apt

walking to rita's

(ok, and how yummy it was...and being able to walk anywhere period)

fell's point

i know it's silly, but this was MY tree in patterson...

it's where i read, prayed, listened, basked in the warmth, cried....it was my place to go...

the gallery

the pier

the varying views of the harbor

this barnes and noble

the boats in the harbor...from the inner harbor to canton...

the sight and the sounds of them

favorite things friday

2010-08-20T08:43:00.000-04:00

i've been silent this week...sorry...
i feel that there is a lot i could say, but no words with which to say it...
at any rate, here are my friday favorites!

*no longer living out of boxes/suitcases
*using gift cards
*discovering that i'm not the only person in my situation, or who feels the way i do
*key lime ice cream from ben and jerrys
*a working webcam!
*the "portrait of a lady" section in my real simple this month. seriously glad those fashions are coming back! i mean, don't they just look amazing??
*finding old papers and such from college, and remembering how much i loved it!
*reconnecting with people
*learning

favorite things friday

2010-08-13T11:04:00.000-04:00

and it's actually on a friday this week!

seeing family and friends
reorganizing all my stuff, and getting rid of some of it
the sounds of summer in the south
endless possibilities (which, if i were being completely honest, would tell you that as awesome as it is, it also completely stresses me out)
reading new books
being able to watch the food network again (i know, weird...but we didn't have cable in bmore for the last few months of my time there, and i missed the food network)
old pictures

two things

2010-08-08T14:44:00.000-04:00

i have two pictures to show you.

just seeing this bookcase makes my heart race a little.

isn't it beautiful?

found here

and how awesome is this idea?

single serving pie in a jar!

found here

from this etsy store, All Jarred Up

favorite things...saturday!!

2010-08-07T16:31:00.000-04:00

late again this week, but i was driving again due to the move....

realizing how truly blessed i am
spending time with friends
trying new restaurants
my favorite flavors being in stock
beginning a new chapter in life
a bit cooler weather
good books

confidence in uncertainty

2010-08-03T13:59:00.003-04:00

don't we all wish we had that?
when we have no idea what is coming or where God is leading or what we are supposed to do, wouldn't it be nice if we felt confidence and peace during the uncertain times in our lives?

over the last couple of months, i've really been wrestling with some uncertainties.
about everything.
who i am.
what i'm meant to do.
where i'm supposed to be.
who God is, and says He is.
who God says i am.
the path God says for me to follow.

asking and struggling. wondering and fighting. crying and laughing. understanding and then being lost in confusion. experiencing peace and then being overwhelmed by worry.

but finally, there is a bit of an end.
because i've made a decision.
one that my soul made a long time before my head, i believe.
a decision to follow. to trust.
to be uncertain.

to leave baltimore.

looking at it through my eyes, i can't say that it really makes sense.
i have a family here.
abounding opportunities to love and serve.
a job (and right now, that's quite important) that i've dreamed about for most of my life.
a wonderful, amazing church.

but i can say this:
i believe that God is calling me to leave and follow Him, and i have peace about leaving.
peace that i can't explain.
peace that is there even when i'm doubting, questioning, not understanding, or crying about what i'm leaving behind.

there is most definitely uncertainty surrounding me.
doubts, fears, hurts, questions, confusions, and even darkness at times.
i don't know what the future holds.
i don't know where i'll be or what i'll be doing.
but as i look at the uncertainties, i also see opportunities, adventures, excitement, new friends, new places and people to love and serve.

through all of this, i believe that God is simply asking me to trust Him.
i've really been learning and realizing (these last couple of weeks, especially) that all i can ever really do is trust.
trust Him.
trust God, Who created the entire world, Who controls the oceans, the sun and the stars.
Who created me, Who knows better than anyone who i am and what i really do need, Who has a path and a purpose for my life.
to have faith that when He says something, He means it. He is faithful.
to obey, even when i don't see what comes next.
because that's all i can really do. i cannot control anything. i cannot see the future. i don't even know what i want a lot of the time, much less what i really do need.

i don't have this down. i'm far from understanding what it really means to trust God and to follow Him. there is so much i still have to learn and to experience. but i'm trying. day by day, moment by moment God is asking me -- us -- to trust Him with everything. everything. i mess this up so often. but by the grace of God, i'm still learning and still trying.

so, i can give into my fears and my failures.
i can listen to my doubts.
i can let my plans lead.
or, i can let go and trust.
i can have faith.
i can obey.

so as my last few days in baltimore are upon me, i'm doing my best to be thankful for the time He has given me here, for the friends who have become a family, for the kids i have been able to love, and for the city that has taught me a lot and always provided entertainment. i'm doing my best to soak in baltimore. to spend some time with the people i love and will miss terribly.
i'm doing my best to trust and have faith through all the doubts and fears (which assail me all the time)
to love the God who leads me when all looks dark.
to be confident that my God will be there and knows exactly where we are headed, even when i am uncertain and don't know.

confidence in uncertainty.
trust in God.
faith in His promises and His word.
faith in Him, the Father who loves us more than we will ever know.
it's harder than we have ever imagined, isn't it?

***edited to add: so, after i wrote this i became really concerned that it sounded really arrogant or show-offy and that is not what i intended at all. i tried really hard to simply share what i was feeling and what was happening in my life. i rewrote it several times, but ended up in the same place i was, sharing my heart and my plans. if it came off in some other way, i'm truly sorry***

favorite things...thursday?

2010-07-29T07:52:00.000-04:00

it's not friday.
but seeing as how i'll be driving all day tomorrow and then heading out to celebrate a friend's birthday, i knew i wouldn't be able to post this.
plus, i missed last week due to no internet connection and, you know, being at the beach...

so here we go...

the beach!
old friends
new friends
peace
opportunities
family
cooking and baking
city uprising!
confidence
good books

pretty, pretty

2010-07-27T21:56:00.000-04:00

isn't this just such a romantic picture??

(classic bride)

overheard in...

2010-07-26T10:40:00.001-04:00

things i've heard over the last couple of weeks that have made me laugh, think, hurt, or all of the above.....

"water for sale! sprite, coke, water, pcp, crack cocaine, shrooms!" (heard at the bus stop during artscape)

"i tell them all the time, 'honey, i know you're straight, but have some rubbers and play safe. just play safe, honey'." (heard outside a bar while passing out flyers for hiv/aids testing)

"it's soo fuzzy i'm going to die!! (quote from despicable me)

"i mean, 23, that's like, pretty old. i mean, i don't want to say it's old, but i mean..." (heard on the beach in charleston, said by a girl who was also discussing celebrating her 21st birthday)

favorite things friday

2010-07-16T11:17:00.000-04:00

rain
blue skies
nighttime picnics
random carnivals in parking lots
gilmore girls
watching breakdancers and awesome bands at festivals

4th of july!

2010-07-14T19:57:00.001-04:00

y'all know i love holidays. a reason to celebrate? cook? decorate? dress up? i'm mostly all for it :)

i wasn't really expecting a lot out of this particular holiday, however. there wasn't a lot going on and i wasn't really feeling like the stuff that was.

so tracy and i went to ft. mchenry where they had some old timey stuff going on. we heard them read the declaration and shoot off the cannon.

then i headed down to the pier at fells with some friends where we watched the fireworks last year, preceded by the always incredible pitango gelato. after the 4th, we ended up at the house of a friend of derek and kristina's. i'm not usually really up for meeting new people and hanging out with those i don't know, but can i just say? so. much. fun.

anyway, here are some pics from the festivities!

the day began with red, white, and blue muffins,
a tradition started by my momma when i was little...

ft. mchenry

reading the declaration

shooting off the cannon and the guns

fell's pier at sunset before the fireworks

the pirate ship sailed by

the fireworks!

the finale!

that's the end! the fourth continued with a good deal of fun (and walking!!), but that's where the pictures stop...i hope your 4th was enjoyable and relaxing :)

so,

favorite things friday

2010-07-09T08:45:00.000-04:00

three day weekends
holidays
fireworks
meeting new people
watching movies outside on the pier
assurances
opportunities

favorite things friday

2010-07-02T09:15:00.000-04:00

finally being done with packing and boxes and such...at least for a little while
that it's light outside until late
friends who let you live in their house
fun theme days at work
frostys
concerts in the park
talks with friends and family

isaiah

2010-06-30T22:37:00.000-04:00

so, i've been spending some time in isaiah lately...partly because i never have, but also partly because i'm doing breaking free by beth moore and she uses a lot of isaiah in the study.
anyway, today i read isaiah 51, and thought i would share it with you...

isaiah 51:1-16

Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness,

Who seek the LORD:

Look to the rock from which you were hewn

And to the quarry from which you were dug.

"Look to Abraham your father

And to Sarah who gave birth to you in pain;

When he was but one I called him,

Then I blessed him and multiplied him."

Indeed, the LORD will comfort Zion;

He will comfort all her waste places

And her wilderness He will make like (I)Eden,

And her desert like the garden of the LORD;

Joy and gladness will be found in her,

Thanksgiving and sound of a melody.

"Pay attention to Me, O My people,

And give ear to Me, O My nation;

For a law will go forth from Me,

And I will set My justice for a light of the peoples.

"My righteousness is near, My salvation has gone forth,

And My arms will judge the peoples;

The coastlands will wait for Me,

And for My arm they will wait expectantly.

"Lift up your eyes to the sky,

Then look to the earth beneath;

For the sky will vanish like smoke,

And the earth will wear out like a garment

And its inhabitants will die in like manner;

But My salvation will be forever,

And My righteousness will not wane.

"Listen to Me, you who know righteousness,

A people in whose heart is My law;

Do not fear the reproach of man,

Nor be dismayed at their revilings.

"For the moth will eat them like a garment,

And the grub will eat them like wool

But My righteousness will be forever,

And My salvation to all generations."

Awake, awake, put on strength, O arm of the LORD;

Awake as in the days of old, the generations of long ago

Was it not You who cut Rahab in pieces,

Who pierced the dragon?

Was it not You who dried up the sea,

The waters of the great deep;

Who made the depths of the sea a pathway

For the redeemed to cross over?

So the ransomed of the LORD will return

And come with joyful shouting to Zion,

And everlasting joy will be on their heads

They will obtain gladness and joy,

And sorrow and sighing will flee away.

"I, even I, am He who comforts you

Who are you that you are afraid of man who dies

And of the son of man who is made like grass,

That you have forgotten the LORD your Maker,

Who stretched out the heavens

And laid the foundations of the earth,

That you fear continually all day long because of the fury of the oppressor,

As he makes ready to destroy?

But where is the fury of the oppressor?

"The exile will soon be set free, and will not die in the dungeon,

nor will his bread be lacking.

"For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea and its waves roar

(the LORD of hosts is His name).

"I have put My words in your mouth and have covered you with the shadow of My hand,

to establish the heavens, to found the earth, and to say to Zion, 'You are My people.'"

pictures part 6...and it's the end

2010-06-29T11:11:00.000-04:00

happenings around the j for the last few months...

we celebrated purim

by making the characters

and dressing up in costumes!

we had passover

we played on the playground a lot

and enjoyed the tire swing

we taught our kids yoga for the letter "y"

and we ended the year with a trip to the zoo!

pictures part 5

2010-06-29T10:58:00.000-04:00

wedding season!!

first, gini and payton!

and then, lawton and beth!!

pictures part 4

2010-06-29T10:48:00.000-04:00

a trip to ga...

picnic on the river with the fam...

followed by dinner at cracker barrel!

hanging out with the cousins

my grandparents!

aunt patsy and aunt nora

my little cousins...jackson and reagan

and lunch with heather!

part 3

2010-06-29T10:38:00.000-04:00

baltimore happenings part 2

the car sitting outside my apartment, named "the judge"

honfest!!

people dressed up!

the lemon stick i enjoyed and the band that played

me with elvis!!

lightning bugs at the park

gorgeous sky scene at the park

pictures part 2

2010-06-29T10:03:00.000-04:00

the last set were pictures of trips i took during the winter.

here are pics of baltimore happenings since february....

the st. patrick's day parade

celebrating the first day of spring

with a free rita's!

and springy truffles

the kinetic sculpture race

finally

2010-06-29T09:52:00.000-04:00

so, the moving process has finished.

at least the first half anyway.

our old apartment is now empty and clean. all that's left to do is turn in the keys and take the wireless stuff back to comcast, both of which will be done today.

we're settled (temporarily) with friends until permanent situations can be found.

in the meantime, here are some pictures of life. and i just realized that the last time i really posted pictures was in january, during all our snow...so, let's see if i can catch you up...

we went to the beach...

...in the snow

then i went to d.c....

to see the cherry blossoms

with my wonderful friend jill

and we saw julia child's kitchen

favorite things friday

2010-06-25T11:54:00.000-04:00

the smell of summer
concerts in the park
highly productive days
conversations with friends
water
cookies
summer movies

other people's words

2010-06-23T19:52:00.001-04:00

sometimes, you find things that other people say and they speak exactly what it on your heart at the moment. this did it for me today...

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself. And the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always. Though I may seem lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton

favorite things friday!

2010-06-18T11:13:00.000-04:00

several weeks ago, i decided to do a post on fridays about my favorite things from the week.
the last couple of weeks, i've not really done it...
but it's back again!

so...here you go!

baltimore festivals
visits from out-of-town friends
hugs from my old kiddos at the j
lightning bugs in the park
the library
free public transportation
realizing how truly blessed i am....in every way

goodness me

2010-06-15T09:35:00.000-04:00

i dislike decisions. all of them, for the most part.

should i say what i really want to say?
where to live?
what job to have?
where to be involved?

most decisions stink.
some are fun.
what to wear?
what to cook?
what gift to give?

but mostly, i just don't like them.

and i have a question.
do you like decisions?
how do you make them?

avoidance

2010-06-13T22:47:00.000-04:00

in an effort to avoid doing the work i should be doing for tomorrow, i'm here, writing a blog about a few random things i've done over the last few days:

*utilized the city's public transportation system to get to and from the library
*baked cookies
*was given a gift card to amazon, and after being thankful and thinking, "wow!", my next thought was, "i can buy books! or a food processor!"
*finally started cleaning to prepare for moving out
*packed some boxes
*accepted that for the next few weeks, i'm going to have to deal with messiness
*saw a part of baltimore i've never seen
*watched leap year. twice.
*realized again that i HATE making decisions.
*went to honfest
*planned for nature
*walked a lot
*had a lemon-peppermint stick thing (i have no idea what it is called, but it's a baltimore thing) that was really good
*saw an amazing number of lightning bugs all around the park tonight.
*personally turned on the ac for the first time today.

weekends!

2010-06-07T08:10:00.000-04:00

last night, i realized that i had a really great weekend....but it was mostly unproductive.
which can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it.

friday night i met with the ladies i'll be living with in a couple of weeks to straighten out some apartment/living stuff. and then i read a book.

saturday i actually did start my laundry and got ready to start the long process of cleaning the apt to move out. but then i started reading again. and i met kristina for coffee. and flipped through my new garden and gun. and went to barnes and noble (where i found 2 awesome cupcake books, a book on canning and preserving, and several other titles to look up!). and then i went to starbucks for a couple of hours before coming home and falling asleep while reading again.

sunday i was back at church for the first time in a couple of weeks and then headed to fast for the kids' stuff. and then it rained out the plans i had to go to the jazz and blues festival in fed hill, so we went and saw robin hood instead (which is a really good movie. it's not overly violent or action-ized, so i could enjoy it! and they cast everyone very well). then we went to supper and played phase 10.

i was a fun weekend, but things i really needed to do that i didn't: go grocery shopping. finish end of the year stuff for my kids at the j. start cleaning our apt and packing it up. mail some things.

but now the weekend is over, and my last week with this class of kids at the j is beginning. they're all moving onto big kid camps for the summer and then to kindergarten next year. i've had these kids for almost 2 years now. last year when they switched classes for the summer, i cried. the entire first day of camp. cried. and then i got them back this year, which has been awesome! but now we're about to separate again and i'm not sure what i will do.

ah well. it will be a good week. a great week.
happy monday!

watch these videos!

2010-06-05T07:53:00.000-04:00

while wandering around the lovely internet lately, i saw these two things.

one is sad.

the other is quite happy.

but both of them are worth watching :)

enjoy!

favorite things

2010-06-04T07:36:00.000-04:00

seeing friends i haven't seen in a really long time
christian fiction
being able to watch the food network again
guys and dolls
quotes
free food from chik-fil-a

2010-06-02T16:00:00.000-04:00

"oh hurrah!" said shasta. "then we'll go north. i've been longing to go to the north all my life."
"of course you have," said the horse. "that's because of the blood that's in you. i'm sure you're true northern stock..."

favorite things

2010-05-28T09:09:00.000-04:00

answered prayers
curly hair
heat
end of the week travel
ice cream
the horse and his boy
rolled down windows

two quotes

2010-05-26T08:21:00.000-04:00

the future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future. and the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you.

tennessee williams, orpheus descending, 1957

during a silly exchange at the j, in which i was insisting to one of my kiddos that i'm not ms. brooke:
"of course you're ms. brooke. ms. brooke always wears earrings."

favorite things friday

2010-05-21T08:41:00.000-04:00

fruit
sunshine
a clean apartment (which, by the way, i don't have right now)
a finished new apartment search
reading
this quote from e.e. cummings: "it takes courage to grow up and be who you are"
holidays

i'm tired of apologizing

2010-05-15T10:09:00.003-04:00

that title looks a little strange.
by this, i mean that i feel like i've been apologizing for parts of who i am for awhile (um...for the last year or so, at least). and trying to be someone that, well, i'm just not.
and lately, i've just gotten tired of it.
but i still catch myself doing it.
because i've also discovered (re-realized??) in the last few months that God truly made me to be who i am, uniquely me -- with likes, talents, and a personality that He created. and even if i don't always understand why or know who that person is or feel that it's true, it's the truth. He made me this way for a purpose.

why do we do this to ourselves? i know i'm not the only who does this. and if i am, well...oh well. at least i'm being honest and authentic about it.
the more we pretend to be something else, the more our soul greives. and the longer we keep up the pretense, the more we lose ourselves. because eventually, we'll forget who are and become who we've been pretending to be. or, as fanny brice put it: "let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"
and being someone other than ourselves, than who our Creator intended us to be? well, that's exhausting. and stressful, because we're constantly wondering when everyone's going to find us out.

here are some words of wisdom from people who said it better than me:

**always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else (judy garland)

**no man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true (nathaniel hawthorne)

**be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind (dr. seuss)

**rabbi zusya said that on the day of judgment, God would ask him, not why he had not been moses, but why he had not been zusya (walter kaufmann)

**to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting (e.e. cummings)

**for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well. my frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. when I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (psalm 139:13-16)

and my favorite of all that i found today:
it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are (e.e. cummings)

so (if you're still with me), in the spirit of growing up and becoming who i really am....here are a few things for which i'm not apologizing anymore:

*i'm from the south. this means that i have an accent. i like traditional southern food, no matter how bad it is for me. i like mosey-ing. i like fairs, festivals, and craft fairs (yes, craft fairs). i think that pulling over on the side of the road when a funeral procession drives by is the right thing to do. i subscribe to garden&gun magazine, and would like to subscribe to southern living.

*along those same lines, i like country music. it may not be for you, but i actually like it.

*i love inner city kids. love them. and i love the kids that are constantly a problem, the ones no one else really likes.

*i love school. learning. studying. even writing papers and taking tests. and i love school supplies -- sharpies, crayons, paper, folders, pencils, erasers, glue. office depot is like a drug to me.

*i can watch movies/tv all day long. literally. and it won't bother me. especially if it's raining. are there better uses of my time? probably. yes, i love to read and spend time with people, but watching tv all day long doesn't phase or bore me. along these same lines, i love the disney channel. and stupid, made for tv chick flicks.

*i follow random rules of etiquette. and i own emily post's etiquette book. yes, i've read it. i don't follow all of them, but some of them i do. for example, i'm probably not going to go somewhere unless the host (or someone close to the host) invited me, no matter how many of my friends are going or who it is that extended the invite. i'm going to try to wear event-appropriate clothes. there are certain conversations i will never have with some people in the name of propriety (no matter how much i want to). i firmly believe that there are social rules that should be followed.

*i am not athletic. i enjoy watching sports. and i will whole-heartedly support you if you are playing. but i'm not good at them, nor do i understand a lot of them (like golf. really? that's just not exciting).

*i love dresses. wearing them, looking at them, the way they make me feel. and no, i don't consider wearing a dress to be dressing up or fancy. it's just something i do. i also love my pearls, polo/ button-down shirts, jackets and sweaters, headbands, and my sperrys.

*i expect a lot from my friends, especially my close friends. returning phone calls/text messages/emails, etc. following through. keeping promises. remembering things. being willing to be there whenever. standing up for you. being on time. loyalty and honesty. hugs :) there's more that i'm sure i could list, but i won't bore you. however, the flip side is that i do my best to do this too. i don't always get it right, and sometimes i fail completely, but i try.

*my family and my friends are more important to me than pretty much anything else in my life.

so...there you have it. i have a feeling this list may continue to grow, but that's it for now.
i don't mean to be rude. or in your face. or anything like that (see? more apologizing. but that's something else for which i won't be apologizing anymore -- doing my best not to offend people).
i'm just tired of trying to be who i feel i'm expected to be. of not embracing who God made me to be. of feeling like i have to hide the parts of me that are different from the majority of my friends around me. of believing that those pieces of me that i'm hiding aren't important or worthwhile and that they need to be hidden and kept secret. of thinking that i have to like/do/believe the same things as those around me in order to be liked.
so, i'm going to try to stop. and i'm going to try to welcome and accept all of who i am as i learn who that really is and not be afraid of it.
because God made us all as original, unique, amazing pieces of art to display who He is to the world. He intended for us all to be special and to give the world something that no one else would be able to give. each one of us (and every part of each one of us) has a purpose.
why should we hide ourselves from the world when we were intended to shine?

favorite things friday

2010-05-14T11:29:00.000-04:00

new opportunities
catching up with friends
grilled chicken sandwiches
the song "breakeven" by the script
singing at the top of my lungs while driving (or really, anytime i'm by myself)
repaired relationships
the color green
strawberry granola yogurt parfaits

pigeon love

2010-05-02T23:02:00.001-04:00

yesterday, i was walking to my car and heard a pigeon. this is not especially unusual because there are pigeons all over the place, their presence just outside my house encouraged by the bird feeder hanging from one of the trees.
however, this pigeon caught my attention because it was loud, close and sounded strange. i looked down and saw this pigeon essentially pacing back and forth by the wheels of a car....
where his pigeon friend had been the wheel's unfortunate victim and was no longer with us.
y'all...
the pigeon was mourning the loss of his friend.
it was so sad and sweet and touching.
i honestly wish i had had a camera to capture the moment.

but it got me thinking.
about friends, family, community, etc.
being missed.

don't we all want to be missed and mourned like the poor pigeon was?
the kind of people that make the world, our communities, our families, and our friendships better because we are a part of them?
and isn't that what we're supposed to be doing, anyway? working to better our world, communities, families, and friendships?

and then i started thinking about loss.
there are friends, family members, places, events, etc., that are no longer with us, whether through death, moving, the simple act of growing apart, or miscellaneous circumstances that can't necessarily be changed.
and they aren't part of our lives anymore.
and the loss can't be brushed aside.
sometimes it must be directly confronted.
other times, quietly accepted.
but almost at all times, it should be mourned.
missed.
cherished.
because these people/places/events are a part of our stories. good or bad, positive or negative, they help form us to be who we are.
we are connected to them in ways we can't always explain.
and so the loss hurts.
but sometimes it propels and encourages as well.

let's try to be like those pigeons.
to live in such a way that we are missed when we're gone, because we've shared a tremendous Light and Love with our communities, our world, our families, or friends.
but also, to mourn the losses we've felt and face everyday.
to not be afraid to let these losses wash over us and feel them.
and to let them help us move forward, cherishing the connection we had to who or what we lost and embracing who we were, who we are and who we will become, despite (and maybe because of), our loss.

an update

2010-04-29T20:38:00.000-04:00

i'm soo undecided about a lot of things.

there's a girl i work with who seems to really dislike me a lot of the time for some reason i don't know. today, i walked into work and she said, "i'm going to need you to actually help me today." to which i replied, "i always actually help you." and then stared at her as she continued to talk. maybe not the best response, but i wasn't rude in the way i said it and i was tired. it is a frustrating situation.

i want to go on a trip.

i've done a lot of research on mayday this week, and there are actually some pretty fun traditions for the holiday. which i will share with you later, because i'm indulging in one of them and can't share right now.

our farmer's market starts this sunday!!

b/c our farmer's market starts this sunday, i'm waiting to buy some of my food til then and so i'm faced with not a lot of food in my house. and nothing i want to eat. except things i can't have. blah.

i miss warm weather.

song #2

2010-04-24T07:15:00.000-04:00

and here's the second song

"words and music"
sondre lerche

you be words, and i'll be music

ain't you heard, that's how they do it?
you're a poem when you're on your own
i'll try not to get in your way
but of all the poems i have known, baby, you give me something to say

i'll be words, and you'll be music
i concur, i can't refuse it
you're a sad little tune by yourself
so lovely i wanna sing along
if there's one thing i know i can tell, when we get together we're a song

whenever i'm with you it's true it's
everything you say and do it's
words & music, you & i

listen here, i've gotta say it
it's so clear, the way we should play it
i will carry you, together we'll float through the sky
we can marry too, together just look at us fly

whenever i'm with you it's true it's
everything you say and do it's
words & music, you & i

when we fight it's rock & roll
when we make it up, it's soul
and in the meanwhile, freestyle, play-by-ear, improvise
it's clear we go together, it's been like this forever
you & i and words & music

whenever i'm with you it's true it's
everything you say and do it's true
you and i are, you and i are
you and i are words & music

isn't that such a sweet song?

music

2010-04-24T07:11:00.000-04:00

hello :)

it's going to be a wonderful saturday, i believe....
i just wanted to share 2 songs i really love right now...

"your hands"
jj heller

i have unanswered prayers

i have trouble i wish wasn’t there
and i have asked a thousand ways
that You would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

i am trying to understand
how to walk this weary land
make straight the paths that crooked lie
oh Lord, before these feet of mine
oh Lord, before these feet of mine

when my world is shaking, heaven stands
when my heart is breaking
i never leave your hands

when you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
i know You hate to see me cry
one day You will set all things right
yeah, one day You will set all things right

when my world is shaking, heaven stands
when my heart is breaking
i never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
are holding me
they hold me still

**i know this song makes it sound as though i'm upset or feeling that my world is shaking, but really...i just like it**

so many....

2010-04-18T22:48:00.001-04:00

thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart, that is...
oh, so many...

i've tried for a few weeks to be able to put words to them, to share with y'all and such, but i can't put the right words with them to make them coherent. there are, in fact, a few unfinished blogs sitting around waiting to be published, but it never seems quite right to post them. like they aren't ready. or i'm not ready. either way, they sit, unfinished, unpublished.

and i guess that means i'm still sifting through all the thoughts and feelings, deciphering what they mean, trying to make sense of them to myself.

so i sit. and wait. and think. and sit, wait and think some more. and some more.

and i have no idea where all this sitting and waiting and thinking is going to take me.

but i guess that's ok.

"have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

rainer maria rilke

just a short note...

2010-04-12T22:12:00.000-04:00

to say these things:

1) i dislike driving. period. at all.

2) i HATE driving at night.

3) i had a lot of time to think today and it was good.

4) i wish that there was some sort of fairy who would unpack for me after trips...or an easy button would work too :)